Frowns, spiders, having your cake and eating it too.

I have got to stop frowning. It seems it is my expression lately and it will give me unpleasant wrinkles. I am feeling old and tired lately and lots has been weighing on me. I feel like I have aged 10 years in 3 months. Well my no spending has failed. Miserably. Christmas has gotten the best of me. I bought gifts for people. I know I suck, should not have fallen into the holiday trap. How can I redeem myself??? Work extra till it kills me. I need something to preoccupy myself with. Constant motion is not enough. I need some company, some love.

The good news? The kids are happy and enjoying life. I have killed myself to keep their life as normal as possible. Its been at my own expense, but if I don't do it, who will? Their grandmas don't even phone that often these days, so really, if i don't do all the little exhausting time consuming, running around almost every day of the week things, notice all their accomplishments, and help with the struggles, who will? Its just us, so thats what we do.

Josh has been struggling. He is young for kinder and his teacher is very rigid. He actually had to spend his recess today at the principal's office. Yesterday he stayed outside past the bell with another little boy. His teacher was very, very upset so he spent the rest of his morning in the hall and then recess the next day with Mr. C. I came in yesterday to see him in the hall. He looked miserable. I know the routines have been hard for him, there are no happy mediums in this little world and I am beside myself trying to make him see why things are the way they are. He does love his art these days however. his drawings are magnificent, frankly, better almost than his sister's even, he is very good. He also loves to spend ages on his drawings and tell me the stories behind them. Between that and the Fantastic Mr. Fox, we are having some great story telling. Oh and the ever-present Magic School Bus. Die hard favorites these days.

I have had a spider bite turn very ugly. It went from an innocuous lump to a large open, infected looking area, irregular border, pale centre, erythmatous, itchy, swollen. I watched the redness creep up my leg, feeling general malaise. I was so damn tired, still functioning when all I wanted was sleep. I had this odd outside of myself feeling, I could suddenly for the first time ever truly empathize with my wound clients I had for many years. What it must have done to their body image, this hole, this entity. I could now relate. So I put my wound brain on and armed with foam and film and silver it is now healing and no longer painful. But I had to get past myself first. It was disarming and I felt very exposed somehow. Scary.

I made empanadas tonight while I worked on my paper. The last one of this miserable course. I will get it done tomorrow. I will make the paneforte tomorrow. I have wanted to make it for four years, now the time seems right. Who will eat it? Maybe me, in the evening, by myself with some coffee. I am awfully good at the by myself part. Cheers to me, I'll have plenty to eat. If only I felt like eating. If I do there is a freezer full and a whole menu waiting to be prepared for the holidays. Does anyone really care if I make merry? Wow. I sound depressed. Best put on the Pink Martini and turn it around. Easier said than done.

Day one, fruitcake two, nuts anyone?

Well, I have two beauties in the fridge. Today I made mini fruitcakes which I will top with marzipan icing. These are meant as a snack, and something for the kids to take to school for their lunches. Seriously, something has to tide us over while we wait for the good stuff.

This is also day one of me trying to save money. I completely suck with money. It is quite infrequently I can save it unless I am a) highly,highly motivated, or b) I am forced to via various bonds, RRSPs, GICs, RESPs. I spend and overspend. perhaps I spend to overcompensate for the lack of $ I had as a kid? Yah, that seems too easy. Addicted to shopping? Again, maybe too easy. Addicted to stuff? Consumed by consumerism? I am not sold on any of them totally, but perhaps there is bits of each in the real reason. What everything in this world comes down to. Power. It tips the scales in my favour. Perhaps I spend more when I feel powerless. Money is freedom, it buys pleasure, and controls the masses. So how can I convince myself that holding onto it, not surrounding myself with things, will buy me more power? Will this really, truly tip the scales ultimately in my favour?

Perhaps I need a new perspective. Dave will lose it if I don't go cold turkey. I always just say, one more thing. Well, I think this time I have to force the issue and say too bad. No more. I did not buy my nephews gifts, but they are babies and so what. They ahve never, ever bought our kids a decades worth of bday and xmas gifts, so screw it, they get books and I am done with Christmas. Perhaps this cutting myself off in the season of indulgence will be the ultimate test, I do love to challenge myself periodically. And here's hoping a house full of treats and sinful indulgences of the culinary kind, coupled with a freeze on spending will appease Dave....

Proposals, grief and fruitcake

I should not be blogging right now. I haven't the time, I should be working on my proposal, but I am procrastinating. I have an incredible talent for procrastinating when there is a deadline, and doing phenomenal amounts of other things instead-anything but the necessary task. I wait for my l1th hour brilliance to set in, then, I will go off running, and, well, you know the drill.

Life has been so off centre lately, although I have felt more like myself again. I am feeling a little more at peace with my partner gone, and I can say we have found some bit of rhythm. No more full time work is likely what has brought about this peace. I am still lonely, but I can easily, easily fill my time. I am getting ready for Christmas. Halloween came and went, and usually it is filled with more fun than it was this year-it felt like someone took away our usual zest for all things macabre, and replaced it with something a little bit hollow. It felt like the first holiday after the death of someone close, sadness, even though everything around you attempts normalcy and happiness. I had the kids party, but we kept it small and I did not feel like making all the treats I usually do. I fear, really fear Christmas will feel the same. The kids have nagged the trees and decor out, and I have begun to bake. Tradition, despite grief, holds strong in our home.

Fruitcakes. I love dark, fruit and nut laden cakes. Heavy with spices and rum or brandy. Not mounds of glacee, but things like figs, dates, apricots etc. Paneforte is my new treat of the season this year, I am dying to make it. I just put a dark cake in my fridge tonight, wrapped in rum soaked cheesecloth, in a month after patient dousing, it will be heavenly with some marzipan. I am also making a cranberry fruitcake, it sounds intriguing. I think what I love about these recipes is their age. These were popular in Victorian times, and I always connect with that period. Hell, I found a 16th century recipe for mincemeat, which I also adore (the newer meatless versions mind you). I intend to make cranberry mice tarts, that and empanadas, a good lot of wine, sherry etc., I will feel bloody festive. I recall the large crock in the cupboard of mincemeat as a child, I would eat bits out while it aged. I doubt Mom put any booze in, but it was delicious. Interesting that my siblings don't enjoy this particular dish at all.

Food is comfort. I take incredible comfort and pleasure in food, in traditions. I have had so little passion for food with Dave gone, it feels too sad to make some things that I know he enjoyed so immensely. The kids and I had a late supper after Josh's birthday tonight. i baked mussels, onion, garlic, tomatoes, beer, spices. Crusty bread, oh my. Joshie's party, Lego-rama at the girls gymnastics club, best birthday ever according to Josh. The kids roared in, I dropped a large load of cash on it all, and they had fun. In the midst of all that is going on, kids always find a way to be kids. Their resilience is admirable. As adults we are far, far less adaptable. Perhaps fruitcake is my way of adapting. The painstaking detail and time required provides me with some external focus that I am in control over. And the end result is one that can provide instant enjoyment and pleasure on many levels, the smell, taste, yes, obviously. But its the pleasant memories it reincarnates and the idea of it, of what fruitcake means to me that really motivates me. The fact that I can control and create a certain amount of perfection as often as I choose, and that this is peace and pleasure all at once, elegance and sinfulness in one sweet, sweet cake, that is what I am truly after. It helps me feel connected in this very disconnected time I am dealing with. Past and present, harmonized.

And my other perfection, my sweet kids. Here, my big boy is 5.....

Blast of the past-ok well, 1 month ago...

She brings a bag of records and she plays em till dawn....
When times are hard and you start feeling low, let yourself go. When the rivers risen and the world feels cold, let yourself go....
I am quoting as I type, its cool because I am using a wireless keypad, and I have the itunes button on here to rewind if you will the songs to catch all the words, I feel very mod. Picture this with Mikes great guitar....I wish I had a full 42 sittin in the sun...ok not really, could not drink nearly that much without being ill, really ill, but its the idea of it.
I have so much more time for self indulgent thoughts and just feeling sorry for myself when Dave is away. I was writing tonight. I am working on a proposal for for a program for caregivers for persons with dementia, seeking a funding grant from a local funder. Proposal writing is apparently an art, one I am trying to master.
I am also slowly hoping to master the charango. Elsa serendipitously stepped off the plane carrying it. Right when my friends are all learning to play ukase and the like. Thus I must learn to play the beast, which is an armadillo shell strung with 10 strings. Really it has only a few chords coupled with a certain style, which if I put my mind to it, I can master it. I floundered at guitar, but hell I was trying to self teach. Money for lessons there was not, I did not have such a luxury growing up. I also did not inherit the familial ability to play by ear. Such is life.
I have had a difficult month. Still working full time. Kids school, gymnastics, dance classes. I have suddenly started doing a bunch of liaison work, I am actually glad for the change. The restructuring at this local hospital is pure idiocy, and what makes it worse is we have no HA access to our systems, which we don't function effectively without. Fortunately, we know our work/our organizations capabilities and get by. I just feel bad for the people that hold that place together, their rehab teams, their team leaders. Seriously, thats it.

Just posting something I wrote one month ago. Will post again, things are much more mellow, though I miss my man with all my being....

Life's a beach

The beach is divine this time of year. Today it remind me of Ontario. There was a haziness about the day, much like the smog we used to get, so it felt different. Quieter somehow. The water was cool, but so clear. We chose the largest tiki, set up our camp and spent the day like beach bums. I needed the down time.

Life has been odd lately. I took on full time work in July, picking up extra to make up for the fact I'll work as little as I can this fall. Dave was home most of the month, so we needed little in way of childcare. In the midst of this, Dave's Dad died. It was a long time coming, 11 years in all he was ill off and on. Dave has been back and forth a bit to see him, but frankly, the kids and I have had little connection to him. They rarely visited, never made much attempt to develop a connection with the kids. What can i say about it? It was nothing like when my Dad died. The funeral was a gong show we did not attend. $28,000. Really. I was appalled. Dad's cost a fraction of that, and we held it exactly how he wanted. There is no way Carlos would have wanted that kind of money spent-he spent his whole life obsessing about money. Yet, his other sons had no qualms spending it on the funeral. Ironic. We are pre-deployment preparing. I am not upset, at this point it seems unreal. Not happening to me, just around me. The kids are vaguely anxious. The feeling in the air is one of urgency. Get this or that done before he goes. I feel like I am on a deadline. I am efficient when on a deadline. Focused, distractions are brief but welcome.

So here I come back to this late Sept. We have had Elsa and Genesis visit, it was a gong show(note: word of the day). Elsa was very odd, behaviors amplified. She and Dave got into a fight about money, her completely denying everything she had said two days earlier. She threatened not to visit anymore. Dave was livid, how could she do that to the kids. I have never seen him so upset. Somehow after a day of pouting, she turned around. We chalked it up to the grieving process, but it was classic behavior, amplified. The thing is, I enjoy Elsa when Dave is not around, she is great. However when he is there she is almost child-like and it annoys me to no end. This written candor is not like me, but perhaps I need to be more like my Mom and speak my piece instead of being so easygoing. The thing is, like my Dad it takes a lot to get me going, but when I am mad, I have damn good reason. We have been through a lot in the past year, thus I feel I am entitled.

Genesis, 21 yrs old, is an absolute sweetheart. Genuine, warm, beautiful, naive but intelligent, and very kind. the kids adored her, and miss her so much. She is trained as some sort of pharmaceutical assistant in Chile, however they function more like a physician consultant regarding all prescriptions, it is rather interesting. Basically, they tell the doc what they should prescribe for said diagnosis.
We fast-forwarded time while they visited, and had my birthday dinner as a Halloween/thanksgiving all wrapped in one. I roasted a turkey when it was 30 degrees out, we sent a hallow's eve table and wore costumes. The kids made my cake. It was a bit flat, but it tasted good! We had a blast, best birthday I can recall since my 9th. I felt very loved.

Halloween brilliance in August! I am, in my glory.

We went to the spa for our anniversary. Twelve years married-I can't believe it. I swear we were at a country bar  just last year scouting the door through heavy crowds for guys that caught our attention. This man makes me crazy at times, and I am still crazy about him. I am blessed, our children are so glad to have him. Here we are, at the Kingfisher after dinner. Frankly, I make better dinners, but it was a nice night away. 

Tom and time

Well I have a tendency to not blog when life gets away from me for a bit. It has, and I am flying along like always. Dave was gone, came back, gone, then back again. He has a wicked schedule with his workup training right now, so I am doing so much running around on my own. As well, it is party season, so we have social invitations to this, that, and everything right now. Baby showers, birthday parties, going away parties, you name it. They have all been a blast, but I get worked up preparing dishes to take, always trying to bring something new or different at least. I created one winner, we named it mardi gras shrimp, based on its lovely colors and the occasion I was making it for was a mardi gras theme party. Basically it is small shrimp, diced avocados, red peppers, jalapeno peppers, lime zest and juice, cilantro, red onions, smoked paprika, chipotle pepper, cajun spices, garlic. This is served in mini tortilla bowls. Easy, delicious, goes down so well with a margarita, beer, you name it. At another potluck I made a watermelon, mint, and feta salad, the dressing was lime juice and zest, honey, pepper. Simple, refreshing. I am sure I could create a good cocktail for this, but mojitos go nicely. I have a crapload of mint this year, so I need more creative uses other than drying it for tea.

I baked a girly cake for a friends birthday. The classic blue ribbon cake I have been baking since I was a kid, and Mom baked for us. It is a very old recipe, very odd too. You cut butter into the dry ingredients then beat in milk, then beat in egg whites. It is very fluffy. Mom always used almond extract in this, and I still prefer it that way. I recall the year she baked me one with pale green frosting. It had pink and silver ballerinas on top. I thought it was the most beautiful cake in the world. I filled my cake with raspberry pastry cream, using raspberry coulis I made. The frosting was the classic whipped egg whites with hot syrup drizzled in while beating.
And here I am, almost two weeks later, attempting to finish this. I am working full time, temporarily I might add, so I have little time for such a self indulgent activity. Last weekend we had both girls birthday parties. Lauryn's was to be this nice bash at the beach, with all things ocean, surf, and sun involved. However, we had to cancel the pavilion due to a conflict of times with half the invited guests. So we moved it to our house and had 8 little girls for a beach party on the patio. Inflatable fish and umbrellas hanging from the pergola, a limbo contest, a treasure hunt, fish and flower necklaces. My favorite part was her watermelon cake I made. Not a scrap remained.
Later that day Amelia had a couple of friends over for a sleepover. We took the girls to the aquatic centre to swim in the wave pool and have some diving contests. I swam some laps and they just had fun. Dave, Josh and Charlie went to a friend's cabin on the beach for a visit. We came back and had pizza and the kids held a wedding between two stuffed dogs. It was quite the production. Did I mention Charlie? The shitzu-maltese we have adopted. He is a charming little dog, intelligent and cheery, full of energy just like the kids.
Wow. I come back to this, 2 months later and find I can't meaningfully finish this. I went to Tom Petty in Vancouver, we had super floor seats, it was a phenomenal show, we stayed in a very mod hotel and had large cajun blackened burgers and margaritas. It was bliss....I felt like a teenager at the concert. I crept up past the idiot bouncer, right by the stage for pics. I sang every song, word for word and throughly enjoyed the moment where he thanked the crowd for being so welcoming of his new song off his new album, He really sounded like he did not believe he could have made something successful. It was surreal.

A ghost of a post

Josh and Lauryn, Seal Bay

We have had a very quiet weekend. I finished my research project, and submitted it for review. Yay. Wish I was more excited about that one, but in the end the topic deterred from something which I had any passion about. Such is life. The project did alright in the end, just not an area I had any zeal for, so the work lacked the associated luster. 

What did I cook this weekend? Something always something. I am feeling too melancholy right now to think back, perhaps it was the brown sugar pie? It was just as it sounded, cream, butter, sugar. A poor man's dish from Quebec. It reminded me of shoofly pie I made years ago, it had molasses as well. The kids loved it, I remember the girls were small then, back in Kingston. Amelia had just gotten over some poison ivy. I miss the uncomplicated days of the kids being so little, having so few demands on my time. I enjoy the rapid pace at times, I feel a bit manic when I am really in the midst of intense busy-ness. However, like all highs, you have to come down sooner or later, and then I get into a low. Exhausted, over-extended. Then my energy rises and it is all good again. I just wish I could ease up in one area-any area, but I just am not sure where.

 This was a wedding cake for the kids stuffs...apparently they got married!

brown sugar pie

A mother of a weekend

The girls at the beach for our bbq

I had a fantastic weekend. For starters, Dave came home early. I have tried not to make plans lately, because if there is anything the CF love, its to make plans then change them, then change them again. As I said to the child of one of my friends from Shilo, uncertainty is the only certainty in life (talk about confusing a 14 yr old!). But, I love spontaneity, thrive on flying by the seat of my pants. So he came home early, and we are drinking up each others company. Of course I grilled huge shrimp wrapped around chorizo, I have invented a delicious cocktail (limoncello lemonade, THE perfect summer drink), and we stayed up late talking, talking, and making love till we were exhausted....

On Mother's day, I sent Mom flowers and we had a good chat. The kids lavished me with their handi-work, Josh a small paper flower pot with a sunflower he coloured, and inside "LOOK!!!!SEEDS!!!!!" it was so cute. Lauryn made me a hat worthy of the Kentucky derby, and although I had many reasons why i could not wear it to brunch, it was so priceless. She also made a french story book outlining her plans for our day, and an origami elephant Amelia helped her with. Amelia made me a card with 3-D flowers, quite funky. I have the best kids. We went out for brunch where we ended up sitting at a table beside the same strangers the kids and I ate lunch beside the previous day at a charity BBQ-small world. Turns out he was from Edmonton and her Winnipeg-even weirder. We wandered (well the kids ran) through one of the nurseries, where I picked a basket to hang by the front door. Then we went out for americanos and gelato. We came home to relax, the kids with a movie on, us upstairs sneaking a quick moment to ourselves : ) The day finished at the beach, where we had a fire, the kids jumped around on the driftwood, and we grilled smokies and made smores, sipped our drinks and enjoyed life. We should have brought the kite though, the wind was perfect for it. We have pledged to bbq at the beach every week this summer, it is the best way to spend the evening, the kids never tire of it. I am still feeling mellow, although Dave's company helps....I love that man.

My passion for food, my love

A night together

I am continually amazed at all the intelligent, dynamic, talented, inspirational women I have the privilege of knowing. Worldly, well-informed, spiritual (now I mean this in the sense of inner connectedness), just plain amazing. I feel I have so much to learn from them, most are older than me and have this rich tapestry as well of life experiences I hope to glean bits and pieces from. It is most exciting. But what sincerely concerns and depresses me is how way too many seem to not have married equally dynamic partners-or even supportive or complementary partners. What I mean by complementary, is someone who through their contrast of personality, enhances the person they are with, rather than dragging them down. However, that is just it-way too many seem to be dragged down by their spouse, rather than walking side-by-side, they seem to be needing to pull away. They have no connectedness, no passion, no true happiness. This greatly saddens me. How can this be?At this point in my life, I can't fathom a marriage without passion. It may sound completely ridiculous to say I want someone that makes my heart race (and I don't mean causes afib and call the ambulance sort), but someone whom I can truly say I am wildly in love with, and is the love of my life.  Mom called my Dad the love of her life, and I really believe it. What they had was a perfect complement of personalities, and somewhat unbeknownst to me as a child, they had passion. Support of one another, acceptance of faults, all matter, but passion is what helps you to weather the worst storms.

I express my love for my love in many ways, but my most subtle seduction is what I prepare for him in the kitchen. Our late night dinner dates are a tradition with us, and preferable to any restaurant. The innuendo ranges from blatant to subtle, but it always keeps our life exciting. When we get too busy, too stressed, too overwhelmed with all that is life, these dinner dates pull us together. I spend days designing a menu, and the whole day preparing. Now, as I wait for his next return home, I must set to task deciding what to make. Bringing two of my biggest passions together makes me feel so very alive.

The day, the day....and what of it?

Henry and Amelia's cactus

I have a fair bit done in the garden. After having 3 yards dropped on the driveway, we manually moved it to the back yard. I actually really love hard physical work, it is extremely satisfying to work outdoors to the point of physical exhaustion. I have a large assortment of lettuces, beans, peas, carrots, and pumpkins in. For herbs,  sage, chives, lavender, rosemary, lemon balm, mint, thyme all in and up, all these things winter here (as in stay green and alive all winter!), and I also planted dill. I will be putting the basil and cilantro in later, when the temperatures are warmer. I have tomatoes and hot peppers as well, but again, I will put them in the ground later. I am quite thrilled about the garden at this point, my hours of work should pay off all year. Dave and I also want to put in some raspberry canes, but I have not got around to it. All beds are weeded, I moved a shrub and a large rosemary that was crowding. The kids have been good helping to water and weed-well Lauryn and Josh, Amelia only helps when I force her to. Josh is particularly enthusiastic, I can only imagine how he will harvest.

The kids played well today, no arguments, a big switch from yesterday. They picked and bickered and Josh had a meltdown in the Gap. I squared him around, we made our selections and left. Once I felt everyone had chilled, we walked over to Pier 1, bought a few things then over to Chapters to browse and have a coffee. It was the most delicious americano I have had in weeks for some reason. We came home and grilled some burgers. I topped mine with blue cheese and we had large salads with maple balsamic...divine. I am so done today, need to relax to prepare for two days of assessments. I cooked most of the day today, made an apple tart, apple butter, butter chicken, naan bread, oven bbq chicken, and we went for a hike in the afternoon. The woods were warm, the drop-offs and climbs steep and fern filled, and the kids enjoyed themselves, throwing rocks in the stream and looking at the flowers, and looking for good "adventure sticks". All in all, not a bad day.

Dave and Norm are training together, which is neat since Norm is army and Dave is airforce. It is such a small world ours, but I enjoy that smallness, and seek it out. Once I avoided the whole scene, preferring to associate with non-military, but now I cherish such connections. No one on this earth could comprehend it unless they lived it, so I enjoy this bit of connectivity we all secretly share. Dave and I skyped off and on today, his connections were poor, so it was disjointed here and there. Mike also called, and I am glad to say he is in a better place these days. Ana has a very optimistic prognosis, so we will keep them both in our thoughts. Hopefully we can visit him when we next go to Cali.

I miss Sandy. We travel our eerily similar lives thousands of kms apart, connected via fb mainly, but really, when we talk it is like no time has passed. Funny how good friends are. You never have to worry about offending them when you don't talk for ages, and you always get their line of thinking. You also still, after many years know exactly what sarcastic comment they would have in any given situation, and know what monty python reference would also suit. Whenever I need confirmation on my thoughts or anxieties, I can count on hers. Cheers to good, good friends. We plan to have a getaway somewhere soon, to celebrate the foolishness that is graduate work. It is long overdue.

I sat tonight and enjoyed the brilliance that is Natural Pastures cheese. Their camembert is mushroomy and creamy, so good with Helene's pepper jelly and a glass of wine. A bit of indulgence, after a long hike and my usual run. You are daring to imagine a new life....yes stealing a quote. But as I embark on major change I step forth with no hesitation. I can and I will. I will do so with bravery and fearlessness (stealing again!). It is rapidly approaching. I have no choice, it is written in my path, my life journey. Because as it stands, I have a real zest for life don't I, so I will do it with style.....hehe. I would love to capture my thoughts on here better. I have so many in the day I need to record them when they happen, document on my ipod like some idiot as the day goes by. Josh observing that Dad has been at work a really, really long time, the expression on Lauryn's face when she realized Josh had deftly blamed her for the dessert disappearance, Amelia being in charge of the activity schedule in the back yard...and things such as my thoughts on choosing action or choosing inaction-there is no true neutrality. You either do something, or you choose to do nothing (hell I spent a lot of time discussing the veracity of that one). Either way, you are making a choice to act or not to act. Choosing inaction IS an action, a statement in one direction.....I choose to be effective in my own world....

I will get there...that profound blog does exist....

It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine....

The kids, in the beach "tiki" we built a couple of weekends ago

Do you have the time, to listen to me whine? There has been so much going on, I don't know where to begin. Since I last blogged, we have been on a crazy rollercoaster. Prior to Easter, we found out that Dave might be getting an overseas deployment. We weighed our pros and cons and now it is a certain thing. He will be gone between 6 and 10 months, we don't know right now which, but he has already left for a couple of months training. I realize people think what could the pros be, but trust me, its the pay. That part will eliminate debt, and free up time for us as a result, time and money to travel and have more of the relaxation time we have been needing. So that aside, we have taken it, and are now on the countdown with the time we have left before then. It will be a long, long time for us, but we have done it before, we can do it again. So life as we know it is changing again, but I am quite ok with it right now.
My course is done, I am taking the summer off. When Dave gets back we are hitting the road to go camp, enjoy the island for all that it has. We are going to enjoy our family time, until his first leave. Dave and I may travel alone for the first time since the kids, depending on the length of his tour (and if he has one or two leaves). We won't know for awhile which length, so i am putting no more thought into the trips till then.

Lemon Cream Cake

This was our Easter dessert, delicious white cake, the recipe my mom made every year for our birthdays as kids. The filling layers are a lemon curd with whipped cream folded in. It was very lemony and creamy and spring-like. Nice ending to our turkey dinner. Auntie and Uncle joined us, we had a great time, they are always enjoyable company.

Just chocolate cupcakes, kid-style

The kids and I also made peeps cupcakes. I love peeps. Not to eat so much, but I love the idea of them. Something neat and seasonal. I love going to the states to pick up the ones I can't get here, like the cats at Halloween or the peppermint Christmas ones. We even made peeps one year, I tinted the marshmallow green. Some were a bit messy, but it actually fairly easy to make them. I also recall making marshmallows as a kid. We made blue ones rolled in powdered sugar. We thought they were so cool. I loved making unusual things then, I recall the yogurt we cultured too. It was then I developed a love for plain yogurt. Mind you, I sprinkled a bit of sugar on it when I was a kid, but I loved the tang it had. 

Chilean prawns-I have been meaning to make these for ages. They are simple and insanely good. Poached large prawns in a paprika and spice mixture of peppercorns, coriander seeds, sea salt and a few other secret ingredients, with a cilantro and citrus sauce. I will be serving this at our next party- a BBQ with these prawns, empanadas, and some grilled veggies and carne...and sangria!!!

Blogging takes time...I have no time...

Chanterelle and Oyster mushroom gallette with gruyere-I have been meaning to make this for 4 years. It did not disappoint.

Well I don't have time to write, but I hate losing track of my blog as I have been at it for going on 3 years and I want to keep it up. I have been beside myself busy, and to make things worse I have been doing some liaison work lately, which is SO busy its nuts, the things that go on in this hospital is nuts. I have some great colleagues though, which make it enjoyable. Even psych rounds were nice as I was kindly introduced to those I did not know at the table despite my being so late....

Hannah and Josh

Josh and Lauryn had a double sleepover last week, Josh's first time having his own little friend over. They were so cute. Hannah is this amazing kid who does what you tell her-always, no need to tell her twice! I told her it was bedtime and she went to bed-magic! lol, none of mine have ever been that compliant. Her sister likes to push the envelope a bit, and her and Lauryn are a real pair-but such good friends. They are both very good kids though, and they had a blast, making party hats and cookies, watching Tinkerbell movie, playing dress-up and jumping on the trampoline. We continue to skate weekly, swim lessons and soccer will start soon. Josh will play for the Bambinos, so cute.

I saw Alice in Wonderland, and it was fabulous. All I had hoped for, although it did stray a tad from the actual story. However, it strayed in a most Tim Burtonish way, so I now will be on a quest for a fantastic costume from the film this years all hallows eve....muhahaha......I want to top my wicked queen costume from last year! Johnny managed to charm me in his usual way as well, proving once again that ugly can be handsome if acted well. Auntie and Uncle joined us for the show, and we ate chinese at their fave restaurant they have been going to for 25 yrs or something like that. It was reasonably good, but too much fat for my liking. Give me Vietnamese or Thai any day...or Indian for that matter. We shopped a bit, picked up some nice khaki type pants and a skirt for spring, Josh fell asleep on the drive home.

I am making guinness braised stew for St, Patty's tomorrow. It is braising as I type and avoid my research numbers which are weighing heavily in the back of my mind. Tomorrow Dave and I might stop by a friends party for some black & tan's, which he informs me the Irish hate, but since I am only half Irish, I should only half hate their historical significance? lol Dave and his military history knowledge. It is interesting, but....

Part II:
Josh broke his clavicle. Basically he was in bed, and we were downstairs, heard a scream and found him on the floor. Keep in mind, he had fallen asleep on our bed which sits about 3 feet off the ground, super monster mattress. He was not moving well and I could feel the spot and it was super-painful, so to emerg he went. Poor turkey is in a sling now, and learning how to assemble lego mainly one-handed. Good times.  As such, Dave stopped in at the "stuck inn" and I did not get to go. From the photos, we missed an awesome bash, but, such is life.

My group is scrambling to edit our work prior to our deadline. We are SO close to being done, but I hate these finicky bits. It will be a huge relief to be finished. I am sick of writing about findings and scouring the data. Icky....

On a super-fantastic note, I snared pre-sale tickets for Tom Petty, some nice floor seats. I can't wait, it will be a nice getaway for Dave and I.  I've got a room at the top of the world tonight....we made pizza, classic friday fare. It was +14 today, wickedly sunny, all the fruit trees are in bloom, the daffodils and crocuses are out, the grass needs cut. Full force spring. I am just glad the rain has stopped. I have been thinking about earthquakes again, for obvious reasons as the news is so full of them. Also, we could get one, maybe soon. Josh's daycare has requested everyone send earthquake comfort packs for the kids. The girls do earthquake drills at school. So odd it seems, but we also have our emergency plan for a disaster as a family, so we are not totally hooped if something happens. Kind of like our New Years for the Y2K thing, where I had big jugs of water set aside in though I was quite sure it was a hoax. But I did have a very odd dream last night, and like my mother and her mother before her, when any of us dream about certain family members, something happens. So I take it to heart whenever I dream about certain people, I just wonder what giant clams and wolves meant, and how on earth Dave's dad factored into it all.....
Tonight mimi has her friend for a sleepover, and I guess we will see what the fuss is about New Moon. Lauryn has strept throat, so doped up and off to bed, poor kid. Once the young pair is in bed, we will sit with the girls for the movie. Dave is taking a taping course this weekend, with a  bunch of physiotherapists. Useful as he coaches the various teams that he does. Josh will play for the Bambinos this year, hope he loves it. This is the kid that could dribble a ball across the yard at age 1, so I imagine he will do ok!

We grilled steaks, marinated in garlic, olive oil, rosemary, shrimp on the grill, stuffed potatoes, and oven fried chicken and fresh veggies. Ok, I was just about to write that we found out a neighbour fishes and can get us oysters for $3 a dozen today, when the doorbell rang and it was our neighbour Jeff with a bag of fresh oysters, just pulled from the ocean today. Life is awesome....

oysters and Elsa....

Lemons and curry and haunted mansions

Naan done on the BBQ, curried cauliflower, butter chicken, basmati rice

Well, on the heels of my last post, here is another. Today I am home. My paper discussing correlations and other such fun is basically done, so I can relax this weekend. I baked blueberry yogurt bran muffins, and have been re-organizing my spice cupboard, and utensil drawers. Josh and I made the first parts to what started out as a castle, and now is going to be a haunted mansion-we are waiting on paint to dry. I have washed all the floors, done half the dusting, and folded some clothes. Dave hates it when i fold, as I suck at it, but hey, he's not here. He is in a blizzard in NS, while I sit here in the sunshine. Sucks to be him! I have Indian butter chicken simmering, I will make some curried cauliflower, likely roasted. I should go throw some naan dough in the breadmaker. I will be making lemon poppyseed loaves after I stop at the store to get more lemons and get the girls from school. It has been a most productive relaxing day. I love lemon desserts, especially with the nice crunch of poppy seeds. I have one recipe for lemon poppy seed muffins I have made since 1994. They are low fat and amazingly full of flavour. It was then that i first understood that the best flavour of the lemon is actually in the zest. I have since come to learn how to properly zest, and why you can't just go about it willy-nilly. The key is avoiding the pith, and a good sharp rasp makes it very simple. This dessert will be nice with our Indian supper. A bit of comforting curry finished by zesty, sweet dessert with poppy seeds-from the same region, seems so fitting.

Spring break is next week. I work the first part, Dave the second part of the week. The kids can have a week of solid fun, sleepovers, a movie I am MOST anticipating, some fun baking, games night, hikes, skating. Just general relaxation.....we are all ready for it. The kids get their reports tomorrow too, so it should be good. BTW, Dave's parents are leaving for Chile on Mon, though I think it is still a bad time to be there. Aftershocks are still pretty strong. I have no idea why they feel they need to be there now. But why they do a lot of things is beyond me too.

Olympics, open house and other such

Fun part of the weekend-lemongrass chicken, sushi, and vietnamese salad-check out chopstick boy!

I have been beside myself lately with too much on my plate-and not in my kitchen. My research group has given me anxiety, however, i feel I am actually on top of it now, I always have this 11th hour brilliance which serves me well, so I am no longer worried. We had a good night, Dave cuddling with the girls watching olympics, then Noni joined Josh and I with Haunted Mansion while I finished reading the mutterings of Cohen regarding the inadequacy of the null hypothesis.....

We then watched The Darjeeling Limited, which I adore. I am transported by that one....I want badly to travel with them, and in a way, I guess I get to. We are tired, Dave will be flying off out east Sunday, and tomorrow we attend an open house at his CO's; I get to dress up, be the dazzling wife, beautiful, intelligent...hmmm, yes, fun. I am wondering about the cost of my courses now, two of them equals a good trip,so i am annoyed that this cost is even there now, but i am close enough to finishing that I know I would be a fool to abandon it, but still,  it always should not be about me I guess. My parents were so self-sacrificing, that I too feel I must. As I discuss, no argue with Dave about what to do with our aging parents, as My colleague and I discuss a tentaive plan for Mom next time she presents in emerg, and as Dave's dad reahes his end-stage point in his disease process, we are faced so early with life decisions most our age don't have to. My colleague picked my brain the other day ago about her sister, age 60, who has fallen into a spiral of self-neglect following a long history with addiction, personality disorder, etc. Typically, she has burned all her bridges, and despite her sister's professional orientation, when it is your family, you are faced with certain feelings of obligation, helplessness, and sometimes guilt. She has helped her and no longer wants to, so she wanted to be sure that what she was doing was the right path. What I suggested was in alignment with her own line of thinking, and I know for her it was reassuring, yet I know, that no matter what decision is made, unlike our clients, when you are living with it personally, it is not the same. It never leaves you.

Update: Well, I finish this post almost a week later, but we had a great night at Dave's bosses' house, very fun, wish we could have stayed longer, but we were there on borrowed babysitting time, so we did not stay long. The food was nice, decent cheese spread, lovely company!

Miss Noni: Queen of chopsticks, second nature to her. This kid has some aesome hand-eye coordination!

Theoretical underpinnings....of me

Ok, so I wrote this Feb 4, now I am posting it.....
I love watching old black and white movies. I have a particular penchant for those from the era of the 1930's. The elements that seem to appeal to me are their mannerisms, speech, just the appearances in general. Perhaps its the cinematography, I was a Bette Davis fanatic for awhile, her look could stop you in your tracks, and the lighting that always surrounded her was magnificent. But I don't even think that was it. When I was younger, Dad always spoke of his youth. The stories, the mental images, enthralled me. Coupled with artifacts about the house, old books, the old schoolhouse I would slip up to to just be in, the relics of Dad's old farm...I felt like I was there. I have always known I was an old soul, I just was not in a place where I could connect with my other selves before. When I studied world religions eons ago in university in my "exploration phase" of coming to find who I was, I realized how dead wrong my line of thinking had been, how naive I was. It was that same year I sat listening to a real feminist speech and was then shaken to the core, and made life changes then that took me to where I am now. I understood for the first time how societal power balances were tipped, and knew that I had to take a very different path.

You know its funny. Twenty years ago, it did not occur to me in a very big way who I was in the grand scheme of things, or where exactly my life would be. Despite these life altering influences, I still did not quite get it, and I still had some struggling over the roles I was ascribing to, and had to figure out how to be comfortable in my own skin. I did know that I had a destination that i had to reach, yet I did not get then that it was the journey, not the end point, that really mattered. I think that is the point where many people get lost in their lives, have to get here, get there, buy this, accomplish said career goals etc., etc. Why can't people just immerse themselves in what is good about who they are, and who they have with them? Perhaps it is the fact that so many people live in secret misery, and are not ever going to be happy with their lives. They are married to the wrong person, chose the wrong career, etc. How can you revel in the little things, and not sweat the unimportant details if you feel you have made some very regretful life choices? I admit I am a bit from the school of suck it up, deal with it, get over it, move past it. Some people spend their entire lives stuck. Stuck in what was wrong with their childhood or some other traumatic or just unhappy phase. However, I firmly believe that you choose your path, and you can choose to be happy. I swear I am absolutely transformed by the recent paradigms I have studied, and adopted.  Life is really about perspective, and the lens you view the world with is shaped by the values and beliefs you have crafted within your own personal culture. This perspective you carry is never static, is constantly evolving, and is what guides all that you think and do. It is also about power, and your perceptions of power. Those who feel disempowered, in any aspect of their life, are in a position of submission, unhappiness, they give up. Whether this is in your career, your home, wherever you are, it again shapes how you think and act. Without rambling on too far, my point is that too many of us focus on what we don't have, what has gone wrong or where we wish we were in life. My Dad got it, more than anyone I personally knew. He was tangled up in his religious and politically beliefs, and it saddened me that his religion did not give him the peace he sought, only more torment for so long. Yet his life was a tremendous source of peace, and to his children, a great accomplishment. We admired him immensely because of his ability to love us so unconditionally, even when we made bad choices, he supported us no matter what, always took our sides.  Yet he held us to different standards than my half sister-he never criticized us, yet she was. This I did not quite understand, perhaps it was the lack of parental bond, but it was really uncharacteristic of the man I knew. Dad never pretended to be anyone, and was knowledgeable far beyond his educative years. He lived the land, dove wholeheartedly into politics, theory and lived simply. He did not trust the government, yet had a healthy respect for all perspectives. Somehow, he had balance that so many crave. Dad was uncomplicated, yet complex in some of the ways he thought about the world. He was naive to the point that he would believe so much propaganda, yet he could not be sucked in by big government. Complicated indeed....

So am I comfortable in my own skin now? I run so I can eat more of the foods I want, but more because I love it and it has become part of my identity. I have had this warped yet inflated sense of self that landed my husband (or at least our first date!), that has not quite left. Even when I was 30 lbs heavier after having Josh, I still thought I looked roughly the same. I am nowhere near that size now, but i still always think I am the same person I guess. As I sat looking at Amelia's "self" report card, I realized she rated herself as exceptional in almost every category. The teacher did not rate her quite as high, so I sat there thinking "is it better to have an inflated sense of self-or be a bit self-deprecating with the hope of improvement?". As a kid my self-esteem wavered, and I always felt it was the stigma of poverty which weighed me down and disempowered me. I knew I was better, could be better, I just felt powerless to express it and have others realize what I already knew. Poverty is a very real stigma, a truly disempowering feeling to those who live it. So back to my question, I would have to say it is better to think you are wonderful, but be humble enough to be grounded in reality, be able to admit your errors, be able to forgive and apologize when needed, and not seek compliments. I used to feel the need to have attention, back in my 20's, but now I feel it is rather unnecessary. The only compliments I need are those of my family, the rest are nice, as long as they are sincere. I wish I did feel that way in my 20's, but hey, we are all a little naive, stupid risk-takers at some point. I guess we have to be fearless and enthusiastic, or we would never get onto those diving boards in life. It was like the discussion I had with a colleague who is about 15 yrs my senior, as we chuckled about new nurse enthusiasm...without it we would gain no new nurses. Yet I love what I do, especially as I come to develop new ways of thinking, new perspective....hmmmm...back to my lens. I view my world with a different lens than I did 12 years ago. I look forward to seeing how my thinking will continue to evolve as I head on this path. Bear with me on this one, dear readers....


Back to the original thought. Dave and I are really both old souls.  We are connected in so many past lives, I cannot explain. I see us and know us in generations. It amazes me that I met this person who has always been my mate.  The mental images are more recent, as I take more time to connect with who I am and where I have been, but the feelings have actually attached themselves to visuals. There is no other man I should or ahve been in love with and meant to be with. I hope to connect further with where I have come from, to help me understand better where I am going....while everyone does not "get" past lives or the bhuddist concept of reincarnation, it is very, very egotistical of humankind to think we are all that has ever been and all that will ever be. I know that it may sound a little out there, which anyone who knows me would say i am not, but true spirituality has little to do with formal religion, and everything to do with developing a deeper understanding about our purpose in the universe, our role in this life, and how we can affect the world around us, others around us. Our energy we put out is what we receive in return....it is about balance, perspective...hmmmmm....there is that theme again. Do our theoretical principles guide us? Are my actions and beliefs as a reflective learner changed by these, or are these principles formed from within us, and we simply put words to them? Enough philosophical mutterings....

What did I cook today? Indonesian satay, using a purchased (gasp!) spice paste, grilled sweet tomatoes and peppers, basmati rice. It was good, it was nice out. I actually wrote this post about 2 weeks ago, and never posted it, it was unfinished. I have a number like that, I should go back and yank them into the daylight. I am immersed in a course right now, and as I investigate paradigmatic underpinnings of research, and writing about ethical considerations with human subjects, my mind likes to wander. I also can work like a demon to take a break, so today Dave and I went out for a 2.5 hour walk in the glorious sun. I came home and wrote some more, BBQ'd, then went out and power-washed the windows and the upper deck. With all this sun, I was sick of looking through dirty windows. I am not finished it, but I also am not finished my work, and I need to houseclean tomorrow. Off I go....I really am enjoying this journey......

A sweetheart of a day

It is absolutely gorgeous out today. At this point, not even a cloud, we are into the double digits even. After a valentine breakfast for my honey, we walked the airpark, then came home for a spread of fruit, cheeses, crackers etc. Then the kids and I went out to weed the gardens. Amelia helped for a bit, but Lauryn and Josh stuck it out for over a hour, I was so pleased. Dave stayed in and cleaned up the kitchen, and I finished all the beds. I wore a t-shirt, as my hoodie was too hot, it was that warm : )

I am in a great mood, I got an A on my qualitative research paper, my instructor said it was excellent, very interesting, "fun to read", however talking about the nature of qualitative inquiry along with the epistemologies and ontology, and discussing the various paradigmatic assumptions attached to this method of inquiry is far from a riveting read. To each his own right?! I am ankle deep in the next project, it is going reasonably well, however, I think I would prefer to head for a run shortly, then we will have more of the supper we had last night. Lobster and crab ravioli, with a spot prawn rose sauce (can't figure out how to put accents on this comp). We started the meal with lobster and prawn tarts, then endive, pecan and gorgonzola salad with a preserved lemon vinaigrette I made.  We finished with chocolate tart, which I made again, as it was divine. To drink we started with a sparkling wine, Pink, which is fruity but dry and fun. Our second was an organic Chilean, Adobe, which was a chardonnay with honey and oak tones, with some ripe fruit as well. We finished with Drysack, a gorgeous sherry with notes of toasted almonds and raisins, with almost buttery notes, so delish. It was a divine meal we ate fireside, such a wonderful late supper.  Dave surprised me with a dress I had spied the previous day, and a very cute card. This am the kids gave me gifts they bought themselves. cookies, coffee and teas, and Josh's very cute chocolate bear. The kids will have a special valentine supper tonight with heart plates and strawberries, as they ate all the valentine cookies. I made about 100 cookies this year, which we decorated and sent to each of their classes. Have I mentioned I love valentine's? It was one of Dave and I's early dates, I recall our first where he brought me flowers, I had every candle in my apartment lit when he arrived. We went out for dinner, the keg I think, and I felt like a million bucks, it was so romantic. It was right around that point I knew I was falling in love with him, so each year we celebrate it very nostalgically. It is also one of my best friends anniversary, when they had a very private ceremony before their big wedding. It was also a really great memory.

Amelia also begged for a lemon meringue pie. It was my grandpa's favorite, and a dish my Mom made well. I use her recipe, although I must say my meringue has loft hers did not. The key to loft is temperature, and the egg whites must be quite warm. It is quite delicious.

Dave and I doing the take a pic of ourselves thing...14 valentines together, we have never missed one yet

Taking time to make time

Busy week, busy weekend. I have been on my own today, Dave left in the wee hours this am to do a flight. This will be the story of our lives until the olympics are done. He has missed the game today, I have been catching bits of it and editing and re-editing my paper. I should probably just submit it and hope for the best, but I like to fart around and usually end up with a completely different work than what I had 48 hrs ago. I did some great meals and desserts this week. Work is in a crisis situation, one case manager on stress leave, another went on mat leave 2 months early. Basically not enough skilled persons to handle the workload. Special care beds popping up faster than we can fill them....not enough people to fill vacation leaves....recipe for insanity. Throw in a few frontal dementia folks and its good times all around. So to compensate, I have been working hard running, baking, and having games nights and beach walks with the kids.

So I have made some really delicious favourites. The above cookie is one I usually only make at Christmas, but it has become my favourite cookie. Date and fig pinwheels. I have this recipe in two different bookies, the recipes are essentially the same, but one cooks dates, figs, walnuts, orange zest in white wine, the other orange juice, so naturally I opt for the wine : )  Basically you spread the cooled mixture on a sugar cookie like dough that has brown sugar, roll them into logs and slice and bake. The kids love them, i love them, and they freeze well.

Christmas cake cookies

These babies are a dark molasses cookie with ginger, cloves, cinnamon, golden and dark raisins, dried cranberries, walnuts, lemon zest, orange brandy....all that I love about fruit cake in a cookie. They have some yogurt, I throw in 1/2 whole wheat flour, oats. Breakfast in a cookie, with some nostalgic flavours.

Herbed souffle
Some spring herbs: tarragon, chives, dill, it called for watercress that I forgot to buy, I used spinach. Parmesan cheese, cream in a fluffy souffle. It was really so good with grilled asparagus.....Tuesday supper.

I get tired of paying $5 for a loaf of artisan bread when I am quite capable. This is a dark rye bread, very simple recipe, topped with seeds, caraway seeds also in the bread. Dave has asked that I not purchase bread again after tasting this. I am in total agreement and made homemade naan bread tonight too with our tandoori chicken, channa masala, and matar pulao....soooo satisfying.

And finally, the best part of my food week.....

Chocolate tart. This is my changed version, which originally called for a shortbread crust. The filling is made from good dark chocolate, cream, eggs, sugar baked until just set in a dark chocolate cookie crust. The cooled product is topped with a dark chocolate glaze. It is like eating a slice of good dark truffles...oh my......
Just what we needed to finish off the week, just in time for chaos and the start of my research undertaking....
I was crazy busy this week, the house is a mess and Dave is still somewhere over the Pacific, but I still made so much good stuff this week. That is what I equate with a good week. The kids are calling to play a game, and then baths and bed. I should put that paper to bed too....

Clams, the beach, and a lazy Sunday

Clam Linguine

This is your basic white clam sauce using manilla clams, which I dig a least a couple of times per year off one of the islands. Clam digging is an experience. Much like harvesting your garden, except kneeling on the wet, windy, sometimes cold beach up to your elbows in a hole you have dug (I use an oyster shell to dig with) that keeps filling with water. You are going by feel really, and I have spent a couple of hours at it at a time, that and picking oysters. The sauce i used last night was onions and garlic sauteed in olive oil and butter, added white wine and reduced the sauce; oregano, s&p, clam juice added. Toss in the clams and cover till they open. I added some parmegiano reggiano, finished with some cream, tossed with hot linguine, chopped italian parsley. We devoured it.

We spent half the day at the beach today, walking, walking. Lauryn and Josh playing Indie on the driftwood, Amelia "bored" until I let her have the camera and then she went nuts! Dave and I just enjoyed how warm it was, looked for seals we could hear but not see, watched the sun glint off the rocks, talked about camping and beach days (I have decided to bbq hotdogs on our first full beach day, at the beach). We then headed over to the rink and skated for 45 min, then had lunch at a little cafe, cauliflower soup...pretty good. We bought hamster food and litter, valentine stuff for the kids, and went home. Just lots of nothing, it was just what we needed. Once home I spent a couple of hours doing course stuff, working on my research paper. I have just had a run, and I am thinking of making herb souffles for supper on Tuesday, Mondays are too crazy for that, so we are having my slow simmered 6 vegetable pasta sauce, which I made yesterday. Off and running for the week after a perfect Sunday....

Coq au vin, jobs, blogs, and travel

The kids at Disney...
Coq au vin. (no pic of it, sorry, not sure where I put the camera), classic french food. I first made this dish in 2005, the kids went nuts for it, as did we. They say the wine you choose determines the nature of this dish. I chose a Chilean (I suppose a french wine, burgundy,  would be a better choice, however, I favour Chilean reds, which use vines that originated in France, so really, I am not too far off base in actuality), their own grape carmenere. We turned down a move yesterday, maybe we will forever, but it felt strange. I wanted to go there, but I had to think of the kids first. Career-wise, it could have been stellar for Dave and I, but the kids love it here (as do I, don't get me wrong), but it is much slower moving in the career sector. Not impenetrable, but is slow to break into.

It is rather odd that I blog. I am a relatively private person, and I don't like the feeling that someone is "looking over my shoulder" as I write, which is kinda the virtual feeling I get when I blog. I don't speak as freely, if I have the thought that anyone may read things. Now that being said, I do have a number of unpublished blogs that I was merely venting in, and it is best they remain unread. I also do not read any blogs. I used to follow this one guy who was writing about his experiences as a new stay-at-home Dad. It was hilarious. However, he ended it when his kid (and my second who was the same age) turned one. I went back to work, and had no time to sit around reading blogs. I am curious about the inner workings and mundane details of other people's lives, I always have been. There does not have to be adventure, extreme romantic tragedies or anything, just, what they do and think about daily. You would think, therefore, that I would be a blog junkie. However, real life, those around me, are instead my drug of choice. I choose what some might call duller scripts, reading about the history of grape varieties, or how a certain cheese came to be. I love food history, and I love thinking about the people who first discovered them, and what they might have thought. Perhaps I am a bit boring, but these are my secret pastimes. I can also read a cookbook, a well-written cookbook, like a novel. Let's hope my novel comes to be too....
We made a brie topped with sauteed mushrooms, walnuts, onion, garlic, thyme, rosemary, balsamic reduction. Delish....I also experimented, found a new summer drink. Gin, framboise, raspberry juice frozen into a slush. Excellent, I must say. We also decided on our holidays for the year. Since Amelia needs the second phase of braces, our holiday to Chile will be put on hold till next year. This year, we plan to camp out to visit Dave's parents, then to MB to visit everyone, camping a few more days at a good lake, then camp the way back. In December we plan to go to Disney again for Christmas this time. We will stay at the same place likely. Should make for a good pair of trips. I need to sum up my proposal and look to see if anyone else has theirs up yet. Ick....

Pizza and daydreaming about the beach

Sausage, fennel and gruyere pizza
This beauty was cooked on the bbq. If I would have known how simple it was to cook pizza this way, I would have done it years ago as the flavour is amazing. Basically you crank your grill up high, then roll out your dough like you normally would, brush it with some oil, then throw it on. Once some bubbles form on the surface of your dough, you flip it. I thought it would stick, but it doesn't. At this point you can throw on some toppings and turn the heat right down, but you must sparingly apply toppings or the cheese won't melt.  It also only takes a total of 5-6 minutes cooking this way, so you must have all toppings pre-cooked/ready to go. What is simpler is to remove the pizza from the grill and broil them in the oven to melt the toppings. What I love about this is that I intend to make pizza when we camp this year. I just need to remember to pack yeast.

So pizza night it was last night. The kids pizzas were pepperoni, and we ended up watching The Fellowship of the Ring.  I forgot how good it was. We have been trying to watch all of our movies which sit there being ignored for so long, save a few favourites the kids keep re-watching (or us for that matter). After the kids went to bed, Dave and I watched Pineapple Express again, nice and funny. I also talked to Maria last night, we is on a business venture to commission paintings for an interior designer, sounds exciting. I can't wait to have her do one for me, finally I will have something to put in the family room....
We also had a family run/walk/scoot doing the airpark loop. I ran pushing Josh, Dave ran a bit, then walked as his ankle won't let him run long, and the girls on their scooters. It was so warm yesterday (+13), it was nice getting out again after Dave being unable to for so long. I am very excited for our summer routine, hiking, days at the beach every week. We talked about picnics on the beach, the kids very excited to go, Josh reminding me not to forget juice. I recall one day in particular, blazing hot, we set up our beach tent and went beach-combing at low tide, the sand looked so silvery with the bright sun that morning, and it was a very low tide, you could walk out hundreds of metres. When the kids were tired of splashing and finding jellyfish (filling a bucket with them I might add), we went back up to our tent. The kids had some juice and sandwiches, I recall having a beer. It was so peaceful, so utterly enjoyable. Typically we stay all day at the beach and come home for supper, something cooked on the grill. It is the best way to spend the summer.....
Its funny how thoughts of food, and the fact that I last made this pizza in July, can bring about such floods of memories and good times. I don't always recall things I cook when we are miserable, but sometimes it can bring such comfort in those times. After a miscarriage I remember eating ham, scalloped potatoes and carrots. It tasted good, and to this day I am so comforted by that combination. Food really can feed the soul too, I know I attach much emotion to it. Perhaps that is why i am not a chef, because I only truly enjoy cooking for those I love the most...

Cheese, flying, and home dating challenges

Triple creme camembert tart tatin

A mid-afternoon indulgence with a local cheese. This fantastic creamy cheese, with flavours reminiscent of mushrooms, with a decadent creamy finish. They only make this cheese during the holidays, so it is a wonderful luxury. I used fuji apples, not the best choice perhaps as I would have preferred a little bit more tartness, but they held firm while cooking. The original recipe called for hard cider simmered with fresh thyme, cider vinegar, brown sugar and cracked pepper. This glaze is served over the browned apples, and the cheese baked till warm. I subbed in white wine for lack of cider, and served it with english cream crackers. On a rainy, rainy Sunday, this was lovely, even if Dave and I ate it while he watched football....what fun would life be without cheese?

I am immersed in projects now, proposing a research outline for critique. I am slugging through various articles at the moment, and should have a draft ready by tomorrow. Time consuming, a bit mind-numbing, but must get done. Josh is home sick today, otherwise he would be at jr kinder and I would be at work. Dave is flying today, after months of not being able to due to his fracture. I really hope he plays soccer again too, I know it would be rather devastating if he didn't. At least he went down at the peak of his game, playing nationals. I am hopeful he can get back into it, he has started running again, so that is the first leap so to speak....

Dave and I need a date. The kids have been stealing our time lately, to the extent that even our "home" dinner dates have gotten shelved. These have been something we could always rely on, always a backup for lack of sitters, when kids activities and Dave's work gets in the way. Late evening, candles, music, wine, and of course great food is always a good romantic recipe. However, as the kids get older, go to bed later, and we get busier, it has gotten harder. We both decided we need to be firm about setting the time aside to steal for ourselves, thus this weekend we will have a date. I do not have a firm food idea in mind, but I will by Friday....I am thinking morels with brandy cream, that recipe has been in my head lately, and perhaps a pasta with a similarly mushroom theme....

If this infernal rain ever eases, we could sit out by the fire in the evening too. The grass is very green, and it is incredibly warm. This is something we never did in January elsewhere, but outside in the evenings has always been a great source of relaxation for us. We plan to camp in some of the more distant islands this summer, and likely spring, and just enjoy some really great quiet time.

I hope Dave's flight goes well today, he is always happier flying and on his various taskings. I would say more, but frankly I need to get back at things here. Josh is engrossed in Mr. McGorium's wonder emporium, and I have managed to read several chapters, as well as threw together a quick salsa of tomato, garlic, 4 peppers, chiles, cumin, salt, lemon, pepper, and smoked paprika. I did not feel like digging through my messy spice cupboard for the ancho chile, so the paprika went in. It was tasty either way. For fun night this Fri I think we will do tex-mex, with some cilantro-lime chicken, spicy rice with black beans, and maybe some baked tortillas? Still in the planning stage here....I am thinking I would like mexican martinis with that....mmmmm.

Update: glorious, glorious sun. So warm ,+10, felt like spring. The sun is so bright here when it shines, it was lovely. It always makes my house look dusty though when all the sun shines in...then I have to clean it.....But I took Josh out in his stroller, to enjoy the warm sun, and then had to turn back. The poor lil man told me I should have brought a blanket to keep his knees and feet warm. The fever still has its hold obviously, so we turned back. It was a brief but lovely outing.

It doesn't get much better than pasta and cranberry desserts......

Tagliatelle with bolognese sauce......tagliatelle, this fantastic, broad egg pasta, much better than plain ol fettucine. The sauce was originally a recipe from Food & Drink magazine, however I have altered it to a certain extent. Now the additions of thyme and pesto may not be authentic to some, we loved the finished result. It was a very soul-satisfying meal, and the kids could not get enough of the pasta. Not a noodle remained in the end....

Tagliatelle with Bologese Sauce

½ cup dried porcini mushrooms

1 cup boiling water

One 796 mL can tomato puree or sauce

¼ cup olive oil

1 cup finely chopped onion

½ cup finely chopped carrots

½ cup finely chopped celery

1 tsp chopped garlic

1 tsp dried thyme

12 oz (375 g) ground beef

12 oz.(375 g) ground pork

Salt and freshly ground pepper

½ cup red wine

1 cup beef stock

1 tbsp tomato paste

¼ cup whipping cream

Pinch nutmeg

1 lb tagliatelle

½ cup grated parmigiano Reggiano

1/4 pesto

1. Soak mushrooms in boiling water for 20 minutes. Strain and reserve mushrooms and liquid separately. Finely chop porcini mushrooms and reserve.

2. Heat oil in a large sauté pan over medium-low heat. Add onions, carrots and celery and cook gently for 10 minutes or until vegetables are very soft and beginning to brown. Stir in garlic and parsley and cook for 3 minutes more.

3. Add beef and pork and sauté until meat looses its pinkness, about 5 minutes. Add reserved mushrooms and season with salt and pepper. Add wine and boil until wine is mostly evaporated and mixture is saucy. Stir in stock, mushroom soaking water, tomato paste and tomato sauce.

4. Bring to boil, reduce heat to low and cover. Simmer for 1 hour. Re-season and add whipping cream, pesto and nutmeg. Simmer, covered, for 10 minutes longer or until flavours are combined.

5. While sauce is cooking add tagliatelle to a large pot of boiling salted water and boil for 5 minutes or until tagliatelle is al dente. Drain well.

Cranberry streusel frangipane

This was fantastic dessert I tried out last night. It sounded so amazing, I could not resist. As with every single recipe I make, I modify, modify, modify until it suits me. I changed little with this beauty from Taste mag, it is divine served warm with whipped cream.....the kids ate the whole thing save two skinny slices for Dave and I.....cranberry bliss.....

Massively good food, so naturally I found that my double workout was truly in order several days this week to compensate. Run 40 minutes plus 30 minutes pilates....I ache from those, but my core has suffered over the holidays. I always fear my cooking will fall by the wayside and that true gourmet fails to exist when trying to eat healthfully, however, this weekend on my brunch mission I came up with a muffin recipe which is truly the best of both worlds.....I think this is my best yet. I was inspired by Little Bear of all things, Josh, Lauryn and I snuggled on the bed while the rain poured outside, watching Little Bear and Emily attempt their own cupcake recipe....fruit, nuts, a sardine.....and can you believe they did not turn out? But Mother Bear then baked a batch which i swear I knew exactly how they tasted just by watching her, and I wanted to duplicate that taste. They were spot on. My instincts did not fail me, and once again I wish I lived next door to little bear.

Now if the rain will just ease to a mist, I will go run along the water....more pictures to come....

A beach in Malibu....it is not as warm here right now obviously, but its just as beautiful...I love the ocean being just a short walk from my home....