Ok, so I wrote this Feb 4, now I am posting it.....
I love watching old black and white movies. I have a particular penchant for those from the era of the 1930's. The elements that seem to appeal to me are their mannerisms, speech, just the appearances in general. Perhaps its the cinematography, I was a Bette Davis fanatic for awhile, her look could stop you in your tracks, and the lighting that always surrounded her was magnificent. But I don't even think that was it. When I was younger, Dad always spoke of his youth. The stories, the mental images, enthralled me. Coupled with artifacts about the house, old books, the old schoolhouse I would slip up to to just be in, the relics of Dad's old farm...I felt like I was there. I have always known I was an old soul, I just was not in a place where I could connect with my other selves before. When I studied world religions eons ago in university in my "exploration phase" of coming to find who I was, I realized how dead wrong my line of thinking had been, how naive I was. It was that same year I sat listening to a real feminist speech and was then shaken to the core, and made life changes then that took me to where I am now. I understood for the first time how societal power balances were tipped, and knew that I had to take a very different path.
You know its funny. Twenty years ago, it did not occur to me in a very big way who I was in the grand scheme of things, or where exactly my life would be. Despite these life altering influences, I still did not quite get it, and I still had some struggling over the roles I was ascribing to, and had to figure out how to be comfortable in my own skin. I did know that I had a destination that i had to reach, yet I did not get then that it was the journey, not the end point, that really mattered. I think that is the point where many people get lost in their lives, have to get here, get there, buy this, accomplish said career goals etc., etc. Why can't people just immerse themselves in what is good about who they are, and who they have with them? Perhaps it is the fact that so many people live in secret misery, and are not ever going to be happy with their lives. They are married to the wrong person, chose the wrong career, etc. How can you revel in the little things, and not sweat the unimportant details if you feel you have made some very regretful life choices? I admit I am a bit from the school of suck it up, deal with it, get over it, move past it. Some people spend their entire lives stuck. Stuck in what was wrong with their childhood or some other traumatic or just unhappy phase. However, I firmly believe that you choose your path, and you can choose to be happy. I swear I am absolutely transformed by the recent paradigms I have studied, and adopted. Life is really about perspective, and the lens you view the world with is shaped by the values and beliefs you have crafted within your own personal culture. This perspective you carry is never static, is constantly evolving, and is what guides all that you think and do. It is also about power, and your perceptions of power. Those who feel disempowered, in any aspect of their life, are in a position of submission, unhappiness, they give up. Whether this is in your career, your home, wherever you are, it again shapes how you think and act. Without rambling on too far, my point is that too many of us focus on what we don't have, what has gone wrong or where we wish we were in life. My Dad got it, more than anyone I personally knew. He was tangled up in his religious and politically beliefs, and it saddened me that his religion did not give him the peace he sought, only more torment for so long. Yet his life was a tremendous source of peace, and to his children, a great accomplishment. We admired him immensely because of his ability to love us so unconditionally, even when we made bad choices, he supported us no matter what, always took our sides. Yet he held us to different standards than my half sister-he never criticized us, yet she was. This I did not quite understand, perhaps it was the lack of parental bond, but it was really uncharacteristic of the man I knew. Dad never pretended to be anyone, and was knowledgeable far beyond his educative years. He lived the land, dove wholeheartedly into politics, theory and lived simply. He did not trust the government, yet had a healthy respect for all perspectives. Somehow, he had balance that so many crave. Dad was uncomplicated, yet complex in some of the ways he thought about the world. He was naive to the point that he would believe so much propaganda, yet he could not be sucked in by big government. Complicated indeed....
So am I comfortable in my own skin now? I run so I can eat more of the foods I want, but more because I love it and it has become part of my identity. I have had this warped yet inflated sense of self that landed my husband (or at least our first date!), that has not quite left. Even when I was 30 lbs heavier after having Josh, I still thought I looked roughly the same. I am nowhere near that size now, but i still always think I am the same person I guess. As I sat looking at Amelia's "self" report card, I realized she rated herself as exceptional in almost every category. The teacher did not rate her quite as high, so I sat there thinking "is it better to have an inflated sense of self-or be a bit self-deprecating with the hope of improvement?". As a kid my self-esteem wavered, and I always felt it was the stigma of poverty which weighed me down and disempowered me. I knew I was better, could be better, I just felt powerless to express it and have others realize what I already knew. Poverty is a very real stigma, a truly disempowering feeling to those who live it. So back to my question, I would have to say it is better to think you are wonderful, but be humble enough to be grounded in reality, be able to admit your errors, be able to forgive and apologize when needed, and not seek compliments. I used to feel the need to have attention, back in my 20's, but now I feel it is rather unnecessary. The only compliments I need are those of my family, the rest are nice, as long as they are sincere. I wish I did feel that way in my 20's, but hey, we are all a little naive, stupid risk-takers at some point. I guess we have to be fearless and enthusiastic, or we would never get onto those diving boards in life. It was like the discussion I had with a colleague who is about 15 yrs my senior, as we chuckled about new nurse enthusiasm...without it we would gain no new nurses. Yet I love what I do, especially as I come to develop new ways of thinking, new perspective....hmmmm...back to my lens. I view my world with a different lens than I did 12 years ago. I look forward to seeing how my thinking will continue to evolve as I head on this path. Bear with me on this one, dear readers....
Back to the original thought. Dave and I are really both old souls. We are connected in so many past lives, I cannot explain. I see us and know us in generations. It amazes me that I met this person who has always been my mate. The mental images are more recent, as I take more time to connect with who I am and where I have been, but the feelings have actually attached themselves to visuals. There is no other man I should or ahve been in love with and meant to be with. I hope to connect further with where I have come from, to help me understand better where I am going....while everyone does not "get" past lives or the bhuddist concept of reincarnation, it is very, very egotistical of humankind to think we are all that has ever been and all that will ever be. I know that it may sound a little out there, which anyone who knows me would say i am not, but true spirituality has little to do with formal religion, and everything to do with developing a deeper understanding about our purpose in the universe, our role in this life, and how we can affect the world around us, others around us. Our energy we put out is what we receive in return....it is about balance, perspective...hmmmmm....there is that theme again. Do our theoretical principles guide us? Are my actions and beliefs as a reflective learner changed by these, or are these principles formed from within us, and we simply put words to them? Enough philosophical mutterings....
What did I cook today? Indonesian satay, using a purchased (gasp!) spice paste, grilled sweet tomatoes and peppers, basmati rice. It was good, it was nice out. I actually wrote this post about 2 weeks ago, and never posted it, it was unfinished. I have a number like that, I should go back and yank them into the daylight. I am immersed in a course right now, and as I investigate paradigmatic underpinnings of research, and writing about ethical considerations with human subjects, my mind likes to wander. I also can work like a demon to take a break, so today Dave and I went out for a 2.5 hour walk in the glorious sun. I came home and wrote some more, BBQ'd, then went out and power-washed the windows and the upper deck. With all this sun, I was sick of looking through dirty windows. I am not finished it, but I also am not finished my work, and I need to houseclean tomorrow. Off I go....I really am enjoying this journey......
