Frowns, spiders, having your cake and eating it too.

I have got to stop frowning. It seems it is my expression lately and it will give me unpleasant wrinkles. I am feeling old and tired lately and lots has been weighing on me. I feel like I have aged 10 years in 3 months. Well my no spending has failed. Miserably. Christmas has gotten the best of me. I bought gifts for people. I know I suck, should not have fallen into the holiday trap. How can I redeem myself??? Work extra till it kills me. I need something to preoccupy myself with. Constant motion is not enough. I need some company, some love.

The good news? The kids are happy and enjoying life. I have killed myself to keep their life as normal as possible. Its been at my own expense, but if I don't do it, who will? Their grandmas don't even phone that often these days, so really, if i don't do all the little exhausting time consuming, running around almost every day of the week things, notice all their accomplishments, and help with the struggles, who will? Its just us, so thats what we do.

Josh has been struggling. He is young for kinder and his teacher is very rigid. He actually had to spend his recess today at the principal's office. Yesterday he stayed outside past the bell with another little boy. His teacher was very, very upset so he spent the rest of his morning in the hall and then recess the next day with Mr. C. I came in yesterday to see him in the hall. He looked miserable. I know the routines have been hard for him, there are no happy mediums in this little world and I am beside myself trying to make him see why things are the way they are. He does love his art these days however. his drawings are magnificent, frankly, better almost than his sister's even, he is very good. He also loves to spend ages on his drawings and tell me the stories behind them. Between that and the Fantastic Mr. Fox, we are having some great story telling. Oh and the ever-present Magic School Bus. Die hard favorites these days.

I have had a spider bite turn very ugly. It went from an innocuous lump to a large open, infected looking area, irregular border, pale centre, erythmatous, itchy, swollen. I watched the redness creep up my leg, feeling general malaise. I was so damn tired, still functioning when all I wanted was sleep. I had this odd outside of myself feeling, I could suddenly for the first time ever truly empathize with my wound clients I had for many years. What it must have done to their body image, this hole, this entity. I could now relate. So I put my wound brain on and armed with foam and film and silver it is now healing and no longer painful. But I had to get past myself first. It was disarming and I felt very exposed somehow. Scary.

I made empanadas tonight while I worked on my paper. The last one of this miserable course. I will get it done tomorrow. I will make the paneforte tomorrow. I have wanted to make it for four years, now the time seems right. Who will eat it? Maybe me, in the evening, by myself with some coffee. I am awfully good at the by myself part. Cheers to me, I'll have plenty to eat. If only I felt like eating. If I do there is a freezer full and a whole menu waiting to be prepared for the holidays. Does anyone really care if I make merry? Wow. I sound depressed. Best put on the Pink Martini and turn it around. Easier said than done.