Frowns, spiders, having your cake and eating it too.

I have got to stop frowning. It seems it is my expression lately and it will give me unpleasant wrinkles. I am feeling old and tired lately and lots has been weighing on me. I feel like I have aged 10 years in 3 months. Well my no spending has failed. Miserably. Christmas has gotten the best of me. I bought gifts for people. I know I suck, should not have fallen into the holiday trap. How can I redeem myself??? Work extra till it kills me. I need something to preoccupy myself with. Constant motion is not enough. I need some company, some love.

The good news? The kids are happy and enjoying life. I have killed myself to keep their life as normal as possible. Its been at my own expense, but if I don't do it, who will? Their grandmas don't even phone that often these days, so really, if i don't do all the little exhausting time consuming, running around almost every day of the week things, notice all their accomplishments, and help with the struggles, who will? Its just us, so thats what we do.

Josh has been struggling. He is young for kinder and his teacher is very rigid. He actually had to spend his recess today at the principal's office. Yesterday he stayed outside past the bell with another little boy. His teacher was very, very upset so he spent the rest of his morning in the hall and then recess the next day with Mr. C. I came in yesterday to see him in the hall. He looked miserable. I know the routines have been hard for him, there are no happy mediums in this little world and I am beside myself trying to make him see why things are the way they are. He does love his art these days however. his drawings are magnificent, frankly, better almost than his sister's even, he is very good. He also loves to spend ages on his drawings and tell me the stories behind them. Between that and the Fantastic Mr. Fox, we are having some great story telling. Oh and the ever-present Magic School Bus. Die hard favorites these days.

I have had a spider bite turn very ugly. It went from an innocuous lump to a large open, infected looking area, irregular border, pale centre, erythmatous, itchy, swollen. I watched the redness creep up my leg, feeling general malaise. I was so damn tired, still functioning when all I wanted was sleep. I had this odd outside of myself feeling, I could suddenly for the first time ever truly empathize with my wound clients I had for many years. What it must have done to their body image, this hole, this entity. I could now relate. So I put my wound brain on and armed with foam and film and silver it is now healing and no longer painful. But I had to get past myself first. It was disarming and I felt very exposed somehow. Scary.

I made empanadas tonight while I worked on my paper. The last one of this miserable course. I will get it done tomorrow. I will make the paneforte tomorrow. I have wanted to make it for four years, now the time seems right. Who will eat it? Maybe me, in the evening, by myself with some coffee. I am awfully good at the by myself part. Cheers to me, I'll have plenty to eat. If only I felt like eating. If I do there is a freezer full and a whole menu waiting to be prepared for the holidays. Does anyone really care if I make merry? Wow. I sound depressed. Best put on the Pink Martini and turn it around. Easier said than done.

Day one, fruitcake two, nuts anyone?

Well, I have two beauties in the fridge. Today I made mini fruitcakes which I will top with marzipan icing. These are meant as a snack, and something for the kids to take to school for their lunches. Seriously, something has to tide us over while we wait for the good stuff.

This is also day one of me trying to save money. I completely suck with money. It is quite infrequently I can save it unless I am a) highly,highly motivated, or b) I am forced to via various bonds, RRSPs, GICs, RESPs. I spend and overspend. perhaps I spend to overcompensate for the lack of $ I had as a kid? Yah, that seems too easy. Addicted to shopping? Again, maybe too easy. Addicted to stuff? Consumed by consumerism? I am not sold on any of them totally, but perhaps there is bits of each in the real reason. What everything in this world comes down to. Power. It tips the scales in my favour. Perhaps I spend more when I feel powerless. Money is freedom, it buys pleasure, and controls the masses. So how can I convince myself that holding onto it, not surrounding myself with things, will buy me more power? Will this really, truly tip the scales ultimately in my favour?

Perhaps I need a new perspective. Dave will lose it if I don't go cold turkey. I always just say, one more thing. Well, I think this time I have to force the issue and say too bad. No more. I did not buy my nephews gifts, but they are babies and so what. They ahve never, ever bought our kids a decades worth of bday and xmas gifts, so screw it, they get books and I am done with Christmas. Perhaps this cutting myself off in the season of indulgence will be the ultimate test, I do love to challenge myself periodically. And here's hoping a house full of treats and sinful indulgences of the culinary kind, coupled with a freeze on spending will appease Dave....

Proposals, grief and fruitcake

I should not be blogging right now. I haven't the time, I should be working on my proposal, but I am procrastinating. I have an incredible talent for procrastinating when there is a deadline, and doing phenomenal amounts of other things instead-anything but the necessary task. I wait for my l1th hour brilliance to set in, then, I will go off running, and, well, you know the drill.

Life has been so off centre lately, although I have felt more like myself again. I am feeling a little more at peace with my partner gone, and I can say we have found some bit of rhythm. No more full time work is likely what has brought about this peace. I am still lonely, but I can easily, easily fill my time. I am getting ready for Christmas. Halloween came and went, and usually it is filled with more fun than it was this year-it felt like someone took away our usual zest for all things macabre, and replaced it with something a little bit hollow. It felt like the first holiday after the death of someone close, sadness, even though everything around you attempts normalcy and happiness. I had the kids party, but we kept it small and I did not feel like making all the treats I usually do. I fear, really fear Christmas will feel the same. The kids have nagged the trees and decor out, and I have begun to bake. Tradition, despite grief, holds strong in our home.

Fruitcakes. I love dark, fruit and nut laden cakes. Heavy with spices and rum or brandy. Not mounds of glacee, but things like figs, dates, apricots etc. Paneforte is my new treat of the season this year, I am dying to make it. I just put a dark cake in my fridge tonight, wrapped in rum soaked cheesecloth, in a month after patient dousing, it will be heavenly with some marzipan. I am also making a cranberry fruitcake, it sounds intriguing. I think what I love about these recipes is their age. These were popular in Victorian times, and I always connect with that period. Hell, I found a 16th century recipe for mincemeat, which I also adore (the newer meatless versions mind you). I intend to make cranberry mice tarts, that and empanadas, a good lot of wine, sherry etc., I will feel bloody festive. I recall the large crock in the cupboard of mincemeat as a child, I would eat bits out while it aged. I doubt Mom put any booze in, but it was delicious. Interesting that my siblings don't enjoy this particular dish at all.

Food is comfort. I take incredible comfort and pleasure in food, in traditions. I have had so little passion for food with Dave gone, it feels too sad to make some things that I know he enjoyed so immensely. The kids and I had a late supper after Josh's birthday tonight. i baked mussels, onion, garlic, tomatoes, beer, spices. Crusty bread, oh my. Joshie's party, Lego-rama at the girls gymnastics club, best birthday ever according to Josh. The kids roared in, I dropped a large load of cash on it all, and they had fun. In the midst of all that is going on, kids always find a way to be kids. Their resilience is admirable. As adults we are far, far less adaptable. Perhaps fruitcake is my way of adapting. The painstaking detail and time required provides me with some external focus that I am in control over. And the end result is one that can provide instant enjoyment and pleasure on many levels, the smell, taste, yes, obviously. But its the pleasant memories it reincarnates and the idea of it, of what fruitcake means to me that really motivates me. The fact that I can control and create a certain amount of perfection as often as I choose, and that this is peace and pleasure all at once, elegance and sinfulness in one sweet, sweet cake, that is what I am truly after. It helps me feel connected in this very disconnected time I am dealing with. Past and present, harmonized.

And my other perfection, my sweet kids. Here, my big boy is 5.....

Blast of the past-ok well, 1 month ago...

She brings a bag of records and she plays em till dawn....
When times are hard and you start feeling low, let yourself go. When the rivers risen and the world feels cold, let yourself go....
I am quoting as I type, its cool because I am using a wireless keypad, and I have the itunes button on here to rewind if you will the songs to catch all the words, I feel very mod. Picture this with Mikes great guitar....I wish I had a full 42 sittin in the sun...ok not really, could not drink nearly that much without being ill, really ill, but its the idea of it.
I have so much more time for self indulgent thoughts and just feeling sorry for myself when Dave is away. I was writing tonight. I am working on a proposal for for a program for caregivers for persons with dementia, seeking a funding grant from a local funder. Proposal writing is apparently an art, one I am trying to master.
I am also slowly hoping to master the charango. Elsa serendipitously stepped off the plane carrying it. Right when my friends are all learning to play ukase and the like. Thus I must learn to play the beast, which is an armadillo shell strung with 10 strings. Really it has only a few chords coupled with a certain style, which if I put my mind to it, I can master it. I floundered at guitar, but hell I was trying to self teach. Money for lessons there was not, I did not have such a luxury growing up. I also did not inherit the familial ability to play by ear. Such is life.
I have had a difficult month. Still working full time. Kids school, gymnastics, dance classes. I have suddenly started doing a bunch of liaison work, I am actually glad for the change. The restructuring at this local hospital is pure idiocy, and what makes it worse is we have no HA access to our systems, which we don't function effectively without. Fortunately, we know our work/our organizations capabilities and get by. I just feel bad for the people that hold that place together, their rehab teams, their team leaders. Seriously, thats it.

Just posting something I wrote one month ago. Will post again, things are much more mellow, though I miss my man with all my being....

Life's a beach

The beach is divine this time of year. Today it remind me of Ontario. There was a haziness about the day, much like the smog we used to get, so it felt different. Quieter somehow. The water was cool, but so clear. We chose the largest tiki, set up our camp and spent the day like beach bums. I needed the down time.

Life has been odd lately. I took on full time work in July, picking up extra to make up for the fact I'll work as little as I can this fall. Dave was home most of the month, so we needed little in way of childcare. In the midst of this, Dave's Dad died. It was a long time coming, 11 years in all he was ill off and on. Dave has been back and forth a bit to see him, but frankly, the kids and I have had little connection to him. They rarely visited, never made much attempt to develop a connection with the kids. What can i say about it? It was nothing like when my Dad died. The funeral was a gong show we did not attend. $28,000. Really. I was appalled. Dad's cost a fraction of that, and we held it exactly how he wanted. There is no way Carlos would have wanted that kind of money spent-he spent his whole life obsessing about money. Yet, his other sons had no qualms spending it on the funeral. Ironic. We are pre-deployment preparing. I am not upset, at this point it seems unreal. Not happening to me, just around me. The kids are vaguely anxious. The feeling in the air is one of urgency. Get this or that done before he goes. I feel like I am on a deadline. I am efficient when on a deadline. Focused, distractions are brief but welcome.

So here I come back to this late Sept. We have had Elsa and Genesis visit, it was a gong show(note: word of the day). Elsa was very odd, behaviors amplified. She and Dave got into a fight about money, her completely denying everything she had said two days earlier. She threatened not to visit anymore. Dave was livid, how could she do that to the kids. I have never seen him so upset. Somehow after a day of pouting, she turned around. We chalked it up to the grieving process, but it was classic behavior, amplified. The thing is, I enjoy Elsa when Dave is not around, she is great. However when he is there she is almost child-like and it annoys me to no end. This written candor is not like me, but perhaps I need to be more like my Mom and speak my piece instead of being so easygoing. The thing is, like my Dad it takes a lot to get me going, but when I am mad, I have damn good reason. We have been through a lot in the past year, thus I feel I am entitled.

Genesis, 21 yrs old, is an absolute sweetheart. Genuine, warm, beautiful, naive but intelligent, and very kind. the kids adored her, and miss her so much. She is trained as some sort of pharmaceutical assistant in Chile, however they function more like a physician consultant regarding all prescriptions, it is rather interesting. Basically, they tell the doc what they should prescribe for said diagnosis.
We fast-forwarded time while they visited, and had my birthday dinner as a Halloween/thanksgiving all wrapped in one. I roasted a turkey when it was 30 degrees out, we sent a hallow's eve table and wore costumes. The kids made my cake. It was a bit flat, but it tasted good! We had a blast, best birthday I can recall since my 9th. I felt very loved.

Halloween brilliance in August! I am, in my glory.

We went to the spa for our anniversary. Twelve years married-I can't believe it. I swear we were at a country bar  just last year scouting the door through heavy crowds for guys that caught our attention. This man makes me crazy at times, and I am still crazy about him. I am blessed, our children are so glad to have him. Here we are, at the Kingfisher after dinner. Frankly, I make better dinners, but it was a nice night away. 

Tom and time

Well I have a tendency to not blog when life gets away from me for a bit. It has, and I am flying along like always. Dave was gone, came back, gone, then back again. He has a wicked schedule with his workup training right now, so I am doing so much running around on my own. As well, it is party season, so we have social invitations to this, that, and everything right now. Baby showers, birthday parties, going away parties, you name it. They have all been a blast, but I get worked up preparing dishes to take, always trying to bring something new or different at least. I created one winner, we named it mardi gras shrimp, based on its lovely colors and the occasion I was making it for was a mardi gras theme party. Basically it is small shrimp, diced avocados, red peppers, jalapeno peppers, lime zest and juice, cilantro, red onions, smoked paprika, chipotle pepper, cajun spices, garlic. This is served in mini tortilla bowls. Easy, delicious, goes down so well with a margarita, beer, you name it. At another potluck I made a watermelon, mint, and feta salad, the dressing was lime juice and zest, honey, pepper. Simple, refreshing. I am sure I could create a good cocktail for this, but mojitos go nicely. I have a crapload of mint this year, so I need more creative uses other than drying it for tea.

I baked a girly cake for a friends birthday. The classic blue ribbon cake I have been baking since I was a kid, and Mom baked for us. It is a very old recipe, very odd too. You cut butter into the dry ingredients then beat in milk, then beat in egg whites. It is very fluffy. Mom always used almond extract in this, and I still prefer it that way. I recall the year she baked me one with pale green frosting. It had pink and silver ballerinas on top. I thought it was the most beautiful cake in the world. I filled my cake with raspberry pastry cream, using raspberry coulis I made. The frosting was the classic whipped egg whites with hot syrup drizzled in while beating.
And here I am, almost two weeks later, attempting to finish this. I am working full time, temporarily I might add, so I have little time for such a self indulgent activity. Last weekend we had both girls birthday parties. Lauryn's was to be this nice bash at the beach, with all things ocean, surf, and sun involved. However, we had to cancel the pavilion due to a conflict of times with half the invited guests. So we moved it to our house and had 8 little girls for a beach party on the patio. Inflatable fish and umbrellas hanging from the pergola, a limbo contest, a treasure hunt, fish and flower necklaces. My favorite part was her watermelon cake I made. Not a scrap remained.
Later that day Amelia had a couple of friends over for a sleepover. We took the girls to the aquatic centre to swim in the wave pool and have some diving contests. I swam some laps and they just had fun. Dave, Josh and Charlie went to a friend's cabin on the beach for a visit. We came back and had pizza and the kids held a wedding between two stuffed dogs. It was quite the production. Did I mention Charlie? The shitzu-maltese we have adopted. He is a charming little dog, intelligent and cheery, full of energy just like the kids.
Wow. I come back to this, 2 months later and find I can't meaningfully finish this. I went to Tom Petty in Vancouver, we had super floor seats, it was a phenomenal show, we stayed in a very mod hotel and had large cajun blackened burgers and margaritas. It was bliss....I felt like a teenager at the concert. I crept up past the idiot bouncer, right by the stage for pics. I sang every song, word for word and throughly enjoyed the moment where he thanked the crowd for being so welcoming of his new song off his new album, He really sounded like he did not believe he could have made something successful. It was surreal.

A ghost of a post

Josh and Lauryn, Seal Bay

We have had a very quiet weekend. I finished my research project, and submitted it for review. Yay. Wish I was more excited about that one, but in the end the topic deterred from something which I had any passion about. Such is life. The project did alright in the end, just not an area I had any zeal for, so the work lacked the associated luster. 

What did I cook this weekend? Something always something. I am feeling too melancholy right now to think back, perhaps it was the brown sugar pie? It was just as it sounded, cream, butter, sugar. A poor man's dish from Quebec. It reminded me of shoofly pie I made years ago, it had molasses as well. The kids loved it, I remember the girls were small then, back in Kingston. Amelia had just gotten over some poison ivy. I miss the uncomplicated days of the kids being so little, having so few demands on my time. I enjoy the rapid pace at times, I feel a bit manic when I am really in the midst of intense busy-ness. However, like all highs, you have to come down sooner or later, and then I get into a low. Exhausted, over-extended. Then my energy rises and it is all good again. I just wish I could ease up in one area-any area, but I just am not sure where.

 This was a wedding cake for the kids stuffs...apparently they got married!

brown sugar pie