My passion for food, my love

A night together

I am continually amazed at all the intelligent, dynamic, talented, inspirational women I have the privilege of knowing. Worldly, well-informed, spiritual (now I mean this in the sense of inner connectedness), just plain amazing. I feel I have so much to learn from them, most are older than me and have this rich tapestry as well of life experiences I hope to glean bits and pieces from. It is most exciting. But what sincerely concerns and depresses me is how way too many seem to not have married equally dynamic partners-or even supportive or complementary partners. What I mean by complementary, is someone who through their contrast of personality, enhances the person they are with, rather than dragging them down. However, that is just it-way too many seem to be dragged down by their spouse, rather than walking side-by-side, they seem to be needing to pull away. They have no connectedness, no passion, no true happiness. This greatly saddens me. How can this be?At this point in my life, I can't fathom a marriage without passion. It may sound completely ridiculous to say I want someone that makes my heart race (and I don't mean causes afib and call the ambulance sort), but someone whom I can truly say I am wildly in love with, and is the love of my life.  Mom called my Dad the love of her life, and I really believe it. What they had was a perfect complement of personalities, and somewhat unbeknownst to me as a child, they had passion. Support of one another, acceptance of faults, all matter, but passion is what helps you to weather the worst storms.

I express my love for my love in many ways, but my most subtle seduction is what I prepare for him in the kitchen. Our late night dinner dates are a tradition with us, and preferable to any restaurant. The innuendo ranges from blatant to subtle, but it always keeps our life exciting. When we get too busy, too stressed, too overwhelmed with all that is life, these dinner dates pull us together. I spend days designing a menu, and the whole day preparing. Now, as I wait for his next return home, I must set to task deciding what to make. Bringing two of my biggest passions together makes me feel so very alive.

The day, the day....and what of it?

Henry and Amelia's cactus

I have a fair bit done in the garden. After having 3 yards dropped on the driveway, we manually moved it to the back yard. I actually really love hard physical work, it is extremely satisfying to work outdoors to the point of physical exhaustion. I have a large assortment of lettuces, beans, peas, carrots, and pumpkins in. For herbs,  sage, chives, lavender, rosemary, lemon balm, mint, thyme all in and up, all these things winter here (as in stay green and alive all winter!), and I also planted dill. I will be putting the basil and cilantro in later, when the temperatures are warmer. I have tomatoes and hot peppers as well, but again, I will put them in the ground later. I am quite thrilled about the garden at this point, my hours of work should pay off all year. Dave and I also want to put in some raspberry canes, but I have not got around to it. All beds are weeded, I moved a shrub and a large rosemary that was crowding. The kids have been good helping to water and weed-well Lauryn and Josh, Amelia only helps when I force her to. Josh is particularly enthusiastic, I can only imagine how he will harvest.

The kids played well today, no arguments, a big switch from yesterday. They picked and bickered and Josh had a meltdown in the Gap. I squared him around, we made our selections and left. Once I felt everyone had chilled, we walked over to Pier 1, bought a few things then over to Chapters to browse and have a coffee. It was the most delicious americano I have had in weeks for some reason. We came home and grilled some burgers. I topped mine with blue cheese and we had large salads with maple balsamic...divine. I am so done today, need to relax to prepare for two days of assessments. I cooked most of the day today, made an apple tart, apple butter, butter chicken, naan bread, oven bbq chicken, and we went for a hike in the afternoon. The woods were warm, the drop-offs and climbs steep and fern filled, and the kids enjoyed themselves, throwing rocks in the stream and looking at the flowers, and looking for good "adventure sticks". All in all, not a bad day.

Dave and Norm are training together, which is neat since Norm is army and Dave is airforce. It is such a small world ours, but I enjoy that smallness, and seek it out. Once I avoided the whole scene, preferring to associate with non-military, but now I cherish such connections. No one on this earth could comprehend it unless they lived it, so I enjoy this bit of connectivity we all secretly share. Dave and I skyped off and on today, his connections were poor, so it was disjointed here and there. Mike also called, and I am glad to say he is in a better place these days. Ana has a very optimistic prognosis, so we will keep them both in our thoughts. Hopefully we can visit him when we next go to Cali.

I miss Sandy. We travel our eerily similar lives thousands of kms apart, connected via fb mainly, but really, when we talk it is like no time has passed. Funny how good friends are. You never have to worry about offending them when you don't talk for ages, and you always get their line of thinking. You also still, after many years know exactly what sarcastic comment they would have in any given situation, and know what monty python reference would also suit. Whenever I need confirmation on my thoughts or anxieties, I can count on hers. Cheers to good, good friends. We plan to have a getaway somewhere soon, to celebrate the foolishness that is graduate work. It is long overdue.

I sat tonight and enjoyed the brilliance that is Natural Pastures cheese. Their camembert is mushroomy and creamy, so good with Helene's pepper jelly and a glass of wine. A bit of indulgence, after a long hike and my usual run. You are daring to imagine a new life....yes stealing a quote. But as I embark on major change I step forth with no hesitation. I can and I will. I will do so with bravery and fearlessness (stealing again!). It is rapidly approaching. I have no choice, it is written in my path, my life journey. Because as it stands, I have a real zest for life don't I, so I will do it with style.....hehe. I would love to capture my thoughts on here better. I have so many in the day I need to record them when they happen, document on my ipod like some idiot as the day goes by. Josh observing that Dad has been at work a really, really long time, the expression on Lauryn's face when she realized Josh had deftly blamed her for the dessert disappearance, Amelia being in charge of the activity schedule in the back yard...and things such as my thoughts on choosing action or choosing inaction-there is no true neutrality. You either do something, or you choose to do nothing (hell I spent a lot of time discussing the veracity of that one). Either way, you are making a choice to act or not to act. Choosing inaction IS an action, a statement in one direction.....I choose to be effective in my own world....

I will get there...that profound blog does exist....

It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine....

The kids, in the beach "tiki" we built a couple of weekends ago

Do you have the time, to listen to me whine? There has been so much going on, I don't know where to begin. Since I last blogged, we have been on a crazy rollercoaster. Prior to Easter, we found out that Dave might be getting an overseas deployment. We weighed our pros and cons and now it is a certain thing. He will be gone between 6 and 10 months, we don't know right now which, but he has already left for a couple of months training. I realize people think what could the pros be, but trust me, its the pay. That part will eliminate debt, and free up time for us as a result, time and money to travel and have more of the relaxation time we have been needing. So that aside, we have taken it, and are now on the countdown with the time we have left before then. It will be a long, long time for us, but we have done it before, we can do it again. So life as we know it is changing again, but I am quite ok with it right now.
My course is done, I am taking the summer off. When Dave gets back we are hitting the road to go camp, enjoy the island for all that it has. We are going to enjoy our family time, until his first leave. Dave and I may travel alone for the first time since the kids, depending on the length of his tour (and if he has one or two leaves). We won't know for awhile which length, so i am putting no more thought into the trips till then.

Lemon Cream Cake

This was our Easter dessert, delicious white cake, the recipe my mom made every year for our birthdays as kids. The filling layers are a lemon curd with whipped cream folded in. It was very lemony and creamy and spring-like. Nice ending to our turkey dinner. Auntie and Uncle joined us, we had a great time, they are always enjoyable company.

Just chocolate cupcakes, kid-style

The kids and I also made peeps cupcakes. I love peeps. Not to eat so much, but I love the idea of them. Something neat and seasonal. I love going to the states to pick up the ones I can't get here, like the cats at Halloween or the peppermint Christmas ones. We even made peeps one year, I tinted the marshmallow green. Some were a bit messy, but it actually fairly easy to make them. I also recall making marshmallows as a kid. We made blue ones rolled in powdered sugar. We thought they were so cool. I loved making unusual things then, I recall the yogurt we cultured too. It was then I developed a love for plain yogurt. Mind you, I sprinkled a bit of sugar on it when I was a kid, but I loved the tang it had. 

Chilean prawns-I have been meaning to make these for ages. They are simple and insanely good. Poached large prawns in a paprika and spice mixture of peppercorns, coriander seeds, sea salt and a few other secret ingredients, with a cilantro and citrus sauce. I will be serving this at our next party- a BBQ with these prawns, empanadas, and some grilled veggies and carne...and sangria!!!

Blogging takes time...I have no time...

Chanterelle and Oyster mushroom gallette with gruyere-I have been meaning to make this for 4 years. It did not disappoint.

Well I don't have time to write, but I hate losing track of my blog as I have been at it for going on 3 years and I want to keep it up. I have been beside myself busy, and to make things worse I have been doing some liaison work lately, which is SO busy its nuts, the things that go on in this hospital is nuts. I have some great colleagues though, which make it enjoyable. Even psych rounds were nice as I was kindly introduced to those I did not know at the table despite my being so late....

Hannah and Josh

Josh and Lauryn had a double sleepover last week, Josh's first time having his own little friend over. They were so cute. Hannah is this amazing kid who does what you tell her-always, no need to tell her twice! I told her it was bedtime and she went to bed-magic! lol, none of mine have ever been that compliant. Her sister likes to push the envelope a bit, and her and Lauryn are a real pair-but such good friends. They are both very good kids though, and they had a blast, making party hats and cookies, watching Tinkerbell movie, playing dress-up and jumping on the trampoline. We continue to skate weekly, swim lessons and soccer will start soon. Josh will play for the Bambinos, so cute.

I saw Alice in Wonderland, and it was fabulous. All I had hoped for, although it did stray a tad from the actual story. However, it strayed in a most Tim Burtonish way, so I now will be on a quest for a fantastic costume from the film this years all hallows eve....muhahaha......I want to top my wicked queen costume from last year! Johnny managed to charm me in his usual way as well, proving once again that ugly can be handsome if acted well. Auntie and Uncle joined us for the show, and we ate chinese at their fave restaurant they have been going to for 25 yrs or something like that. It was reasonably good, but too much fat for my liking. Give me Vietnamese or Thai any day...or Indian for that matter. We shopped a bit, picked up some nice khaki type pants and a skirt for spring, Josh fell asleep on the drive home.

I am making guinness braised stew for St, Patty's tomorrow. It is braising as I type and avoid my research numbers which are weighing heavily in the back of my mind. Tomorrow Dave and I might stop by a friends party for some black & tan's, which he informs me the Irish hate, but since I am only half Irish, I should only half hate their historical significance? lol Dave and his military history knowledge. It is interesting, but....

Part II:
Josh broke his clavicle. Basically he was in bed, and we were downstairs, heard a scream and found him on the floor. Keep in mind, he had fallen asleep on our bed which sits about 3 feet off the ground, super monster mattress. He was not moving well and I could feel the spot and it was super-painful, so to emerg he went. Poor turkey is in a sling now, and learning how to assemble lego mainly one-handed. Good times.  As such, Dave stopped in at the "stuck inn" and I did not get to go. From the photos, we missed an awesome bash, but, such is life.

My group is scrambling to edit our work prior to our deadline. We are SO close to being done, but I hate these finicky bits. It will be a huge relief to be finished. I am sick of writing about findings and scouring the data. Icky....

On a super-fantastic note, I snared pre-sale tickets for Tom Petty, some nice floor seats. I can't wait, it will be a nice getaway for Dave and I.  I've got a room at the top of the world tonight....we made pizza, classic friday fare. It was +14 today, wickedly sunny, all the fruit trees are in bloom, the daffodils and crocuses are out, the grass needs cut. Full force spring. I am just glad the rain has stopped. I have been thinking about earthquakes again, for obvious reasons as the news is so full of them. Also, we could get one, maybe soon. Josh's daycare has requested everyone send earthquake comfort packs for the kids. The girls do earthquake drills at school. So odd it seems, but we also have our emergency plan for a disaster as a family, so we are not totally hooped if something happens. Kind of like our New Years for the Y2K thing, where I had big jugs of water set aside in though I was quite sure it was a hoax. But I did have a very odd dream last night, and like my mother and her mother before her, when any of us dream about certain family members, something happens. So I take it to heart whenever I dream about certain people, I just wonder what giant clams and wolves meant, and how on earth Dave's dad factored into it all.....
Tonight mimi has her friend for a sleepover, and I guess we will see what the fuss is about New Moon. Lauryn has strept throat, so doped up and off to bed, poor kid. Once the young pair is in bed, we will sit with the girls for the movie. Dave is taking a taping course this weekend, with a  bunch of physiotherapists. Useful as he coaches the various teams that he does. Josh will play for the Bambinos this year, hope he loves it. This is the kid that could dribble a ball across the yard at age 1, so I imagine he will do ok!

We grilled steaks, marinated in garlic, olive oil, rosemary, shrimp on the grill, stuffed potatoes, and oven fried chicken and fresh veggies. Ok, I was just about to write that we found out a neighbour fishes and can get us oysters for $3 a dozen today, when the doorbell rang and it was our neighbour Jeff with a bag of fresh oysters, just pulled from the ocean today. Life is awesome....

oysters and Elsa....

Lemons and curry and haunted mansions

Naan done on the BBQ, curried cauliflower, butter chicken, basmati rice

Well, on the heels of my last post, here is another. Today I am home. My paper discussing correlations and other such fun is basically done, so I can relax this weekend. I baked blueberry yogurt bran muffins, and have been re-organizing my spice cupboard, and utensil drawers. Josh and I made the first parts to what started out as a castle, and now is going to be a haunted mansion-we are waiting on paint to dry. I have washed all the floors, done half the dusting, and folded some clothes. Dave hates it when i fold, as I suck at it, but hey, he's not here. He is in a blizzard in NS, while I sit here in the sunshine. Sucks to be him! I have Indian butter chicken simmering, I will make some curried cauliflower, likely roasted. I should go throw some naan dough in the breadmaker. I will be making lemon poppyseed loaves after I stop at the store to get more lemons and get the girls from school. It has been a most productive relaxing day. I love lemon desserts, especially with the nice crunch of poppy seeds. I have one recipe for lemon poppy seed muffins I have made since 1994. They are low fat and amazingly full of flavour. It was then that i first understood that the best flavour of the lemon is actually in the zest. I have since come to learn how to properly zest, and why you can't just go about it willy-nilly. The key is avoiding the pith, and a good sharp rasp makes it very simple. This dessert will be nice with our Indian supper. A bit of comforting curry finished by zesty, sweet dessert with poppy seeds-from the same region, seems so fitting.

Spring break is next week. I work the first part, Dave the second part of the week. The kids can have a week of solid fun, sleepovers, a movie I am MOST anticipating, some fun baking, games night, hikes, skating. Just general relaxation.....we are all ready for it. The kids get their reports tomorrow too, so it should be good. BTW, Dave's parents are leaving for Chile on Mon, though I think it is still a bad time to be there. Aftershocks are still pretty strong. I have no idea why they feel they need to be there now. But why they do a lot of things is beyond me too.

Olympics, open house and other such

Fun part of the weekend-lemongrass chicken, sushi, and vietnamese salad-check out chopstick boy!

I have been beside myself lately with too much on my plate-and not in my kitchen. My research group has given me anxiety, however, i feel I am actually on top of it now, I always have this 11th hour brilliance which serves me well, so I am no longer worried. We had a good night, Dave cuddling with the girls watching olympics, then Noni joined Josh and I with Haunted Mansion while I finished reading the mutterings of Cohen regarding the inadequacy of the null hypothesis.....

We then watched The Darjeeling Limited, which I adore. I am transported by that one....I want badly to travel with them, and in a way, I guess I get to. We are tired, Dave will be flying off out east Sunday, and tomorrow we attend an open house at his CO's; I get to dress up, be the dazzling wife, beautiful, intelligent...hmmm, yes, fun. I am wondering about the cost of my courses now, two of them equals a good trip,so i am annoyed that this cost is even there now, but i am close enough to finishing that I know I would be a fool to abandon it, but still,  it always should not be about me I guess. My parents were so self-sacrificing, that I too feel I must. As I discuss, no argue with Dave about what to do with our aging parents, as My colleague and I discuss a tentaive plan for Mom next time she presents in emerg, and as Dave's dad reahes his end-stage point in his disease process, we are faced so early with life decisions most our age don't have to. My colleague picked my brain the other day ago about her sister, age 60, who has fallen into a spiral of self-neglect following a long history with addiction, personality disorder, etc. Typically, she has burned all her bridges, and despite her sister's professional orientation, when it is your family, you are faced with certain feelings of obligation, helplessness, and sometimes guilt. She has helped her and no longer wants to, so she wanted to be sure that what she was doing was the right path. What I suggested was in alignment with her own line of thinking, and I know for her it was reassuring, yet I know, that no matter what decision is made, unlike our clients, when you are living with it personally, it is not the same. It never leaves you.

Update: Well, I finish this post almost a week later, but we had a great night at Dave's bosses' house, very fun, wish we could have stayed longer, but we were there on borrowed babysitting time, so we did not stay long. The food was nice, decent cheese spread, lovely company!

Miss Noni: Queen of chopsticks, second nature to her. This kid has some aesome hand-eye coordination!

Theoretical underpinnings....of me

Ok, so I wrote this Feb 4, now I am posting it.....
I love watching old black and white movies. I have a particular penchant for those from the era of the 1930's. The elements that seem to appeal to me are their mannerisms, speech, just the appearances in general. Perhaps its the cinematography, I was a Bette Davis fanatic for awhile, her look could stop you in your tracks, and the lighting that always surrounded her was magnificent. But I don't even think that was it. When I was younger, Dad always spoke of his youth. The stories, the mental images, enthralled me. Coupled with artifacts about the house, old books, the old schoolhouse I would slip up to to just be in, the relics of Dad's old farm...I felt like I was there. I have always known I was an old soul, I just was not in a place where I could connect with my other selves before. When I studied world religions eons ago in university in my "exploration phase" of coming to find who I was, I realized how dead wrong my line of thinking had been, how naive I was. It was that same year I sat listening to a real feminist speech and was then shaken to the core, and made life changes then that took me to where I am now. I understood for the first time how societal power balances were tipped, and knew that I had to take a very different path.

You know its funny. Twenty years ago, it did not occur to me in a very big way who I was in the grand scheme of things, or where exactly my life would be. Despite these life altering influences, I still did not quite get it, and I still had some struggling over the roles I was ascribing to, and had to figure out how to be comfortable in my own skin. I did know that I had a destination that i had to reach, yet I did not get then that it was the journey, not the end point, that really mattered. I think that is the point where many people get lost in their lives, have to get here, get there, buy this, accomplish said career goals etc., etc. Why can't people just immerse themselves in what is good about who they are, and who they have with them? Perhaps it is the fact that so many people live in secret misery, and are not ever going to be happy with their lives. They are married to the wrong person, chose the wrong career, etc. How can you revel in the little things, and not sweat the unimportant details if you feel you have made some very regretful life choices? I admit I am a bit from the school of suck it up, deal with it, get over it, move past it. Some people spend their entire lives stuck. Stuck in what was wrong with their childhood or some other traumatic or just unhappy phase. However, I firmly believe that you choose your path, and you can choose to be happy. I swear I am absolutely transformed by the recent paradigms I have studied, and adopted.  Life is really about perspective, and the lens you view the world with is shaped by the values and beliefs you have crafted within your own personal culture. This perspective you carry is never static, is constantly evolving, and is what guides all that you think and do. It is also about power, and your perceptions of power. Those who feel disempowered, in any aspect of their life, are in a position of submission, unhappiness, they give up. Whether this is in your career, your home, wherever you are, it again shapes how you think and act. Without rambling on too far, my point is that too many of us focus on what we don't have, what has gone wrong or where we wish we were in life. My Dad got it, more than anyone I personally knew. He was tangled up in his religious and politically beliefs, and it saddened me that his religion did not give him the peace he sought, only more torment for so long. Yet his life was a tremendous source of peace, and to his children, a great accomplishment. We admired him immensely because of his ability to love us so unconditionally, even when we made bad choices, he supported us no matter what, always took our sides.  Yet he held us to different standards than my half sister-he never criticized us, yet she was. This I did not quite understand, perhaps it was the lack of parental bond, but it was really uncharacteristic of the man I knew. Dad never pretended to be anyone, and was knowledgeable far beyond his educative years. He lived the land, dove wholeheartedly into politics, theory and lived simply. He did not trust the government, yet had a healthy respect for all perspectives. Somehow, he had balance that so many crave. Dad was uncomplicated, yet complex in some of the ways he thought about the world. He was naive to the point that he would believe so much propaganda, yet he could not be sucked in by big government. Complicated indeed....

So am I comfortable in my own skin now? I run so I can eat more of the foods I want, but more because I love it and it has become part of my identity. I have had this warped yet inflated sense of self that landed my husband (or at least our first date!), that has not quite left. Even when I was 30 lbs heavier after having Josh, I still thought I looked roughly the same. I am nowhere near that size now, but i still always think I am the same person I guess. As I sat looking at Amelia's "self" report card, I realized she rated herself as exceptional in almost every category. The teacher did not rate her quite as high, so I sat there thinking "is it better to have an inflated sense of self-or be a bit self-deprecating with the hope of improvement?". As a kid my self-esteem wavered, and I always felt it was the stigma of poverty which weighed me down and disempowered me. I knew I was better, could be better, I just felt powerless to express it and have others realize what I already knew. Poverty is a very real stigma, a truly disempowering feeling to those who live it. So back to my question, I would have to say it is better to think you are wonderful, but be humble enough to be grounded in reality, be able to admit your errors, be able to forgive and apologize when needed, and not seek compliments. I used to feel the need to have attention, back in my 20's, but now I feel it is rather unnecessary. The only compliments I need are those of my family, the rest are nice, as long as they are sincere. I wish I did feel that way in my 20's, but hey, we are all a little naive, stupid risk-takers at some point. I guess we have to be fearless and enthusiastic, or we would never get onto those diving boards in life. It was like the discussion I had with a colleague who is about 15 yrs my senior, as we chuckled about new nurse enthusiasm...without it we would gain no new nurses. Yet I love what I do, especially as I come to develop new ways of thinking, new perspective....hmmmm...back to my lens. I view my world with a different lens than I did 12 years ago. I look forward to seeing how my thinking will continue to evolve as I head on this path. Bear with me on this one, dear readers....


Back to the original thought. Dave and I are really both old souls.  We are connected in so many past lives, I cannot explain. I see us and know us in generations. It amazes me that I met this person who has always been my mate.  The mental images are more recent, as I take more time to connect with who I am and where I have been, but the feelings have actually attached themselves to visuals. There is no other man I should or ahve been in love with and meant to be with. I hope to connect further with where I have come from, to help me understand better where I am going....while everyone does not "get" past lives or the bhuddist concept of reincarnation, it is very, very egotistical of humankind to think we are all that has ever been and all that will ever be. I know that it may sound a little out there, which anyone who knows me would say i am not, but true spirituality has little to do with formal religion, and everything to do with developing a deeper understanding about our purpose in the universe, our role in this life, and how we can affect the world around us, others around us. Our energy we put out is what we receive in return....it is about balance, perspective...hmmmmm....there is that theme again. Do our theoretical principles guide us? Are my actions and beliefs as a reflective learner changed by these, or are these principles formed from within us, and we simply put words to them? Enough philosophical mutterings....

What did I cook today? Indonesian satay, using a purchased (gasp!) spice paste, grilled sweet tomatoes and peppers, basmati rice. It was good, it was nice out. I actually wrote this post about 2 weeks ago, and never posted it, it was unfinished. I have a number like that, I should go back and yank them into the daylight. I am immersed in a course right now, and as I investigate paradigmatic underpinnings of research, and writing about ethical considerations with human subjects, my mind likes to wander. I also can work like a demon to take a break, so today Dave and I went out for a 2.5 hour walk in the glorious sun. I came home and wrote some more, BBQ'd, then went out and power-washed the windows and the upper deck. With all this sun, I was sick of looking through dirty windows. I am not finished it, but I also am not finished my work, and I need to houseclean tomorrow. Off I go....I really am enjoying this journey......