Blast of the past-ok well, 1 month ago...

She brings a bag of records and she plays em till dawn....
When times are hard and you start feeling low, let yourself go. When the rivers risen and the world feels cold, let yourself go....
I am quoting as I type, its cool because I am using a wireless keypad, and I have the itunes button on here to rewind if you will the songs to catch all the words, I feel very mod. Picture this with Mikes great guitar....I wish I had a full 42 sittin in the sun...ok not really, could not drink nearly that much without being ill, really ill, but its the idea of it.
I have so much more time for self indulgent thoughts and just feeling sorry for myself when Dave is away. I was writing tonight. I am working on a proposal for for a program for caregivers for persons with dementia, seeking a funding grant from a local funder. Proposal writing is apparently an art, one I am trying to master.
I am also slowly hoping to master the charango. Elsa serendipitously stepped off the plane carrying it. Right when my friends are all learning to play ukase and the like. Thus I must learn to play the beast, which is an armadillo shell strung with 10 strings. Really it has only a few chords coupled with a certain style, which if I put my mind to it, I can master it. I floundered at guitar, but hell I was trying to self teach. Money for lessons there was not, I did not have such a luxury growing up. I also did not inherit the familial ability to play by ear. Such is life.
I have had a difficult month. Still working full time. Kids school, gymnastics, dance classes. I have suddenly started doing a bunch of liaison work, I am actually glad for the change. The restructuring at this local hospital is pure idiocy, and what makes it worse is we have no HA access to our systems, which we don't function effectively without. Fortunately, we know our work/our organizations capabilities and get by. I just feel bad for the people that hold that place together, their rehab teams, their team leaders. Seriously, thats it.

Just posting something I wrote one month ago. Will post again, things are much more mellow, though I miss my man with all my being....

Life's a beach

The beach is divine this time of year. Today it remind me of Ontario. There was a haziness about the day, much like the smog we used to get, so it felt different. Quieter somehow. The water was cool, but so clear. We chose the largest tiki, set up our camp and spent the day like beach bums. I needed the down time.

Life has been odd lately. I took on full time work in July, picking up extra to make up for the fact I'll work as little as I can this fall. Dave was home most of the month, so we needed little in way of childcare. In the midst of this, Dave's Dad died. It was a long time coming, 11 years in all he was ill off and on. Dave has been back and forth a bit to see him, but frankly, the kids and I have had little connection to him. They rarely visited, never made much attempt to develop a connection with the kids. What can i say about it? It was nothing like when my Dad died. The funeral was a gong show we did not attend. $28,000. Really. I was appalled. Dad's cost a fraction of that, and we held it exactly how he wanted. There is no way Carlos would have wanted that kind of money spent-he spent his whole life obsessing about money. Yet, his other sons had no qualms spending it on the funeral. Ironic. We are pre-deployment preparing. I am not upset, at this point it seems unreal. Not happening to me, just around me. The kids are vaguely anxious. The feeling in the air is one of urgency. Get this or that done before he goes. I feel like I am on a deadline. I am efficient when on a deadline. Focused, distractions are brief but welcome.

So here I come back to this late Sept. We have had Elsa and Genesis visit, it was a gong show(note: word of the day). Elsa was very odd, behaviors amplified. She and Dave got into a fight about money, her completely denying everything she had said two days earlier. She threatened not to visit anymore. Dave was livid, how could she do that to the kids. I have never seen him so upset. Somehow after a day of pouting, she turned around. We chalked it up to the grieving process, but it was classic behavior, amplified. The thing is, I enjoy Elsa when Dave is not around, she is great. However when he is there she is almost child-like and it annoys me to no end. This written candor is not like me, but perhaps I need to be more like my Mom and speak my piece instead of being so easygoing. The thing is, like my Dad it takes a lot to get me going, but when I am mad, I have damn good reason. We have been through a lot in the past year, thus I feel I am entitled.

Genesis, 21 yrs old, is an absolute sweetheart. Genuine, warm, beautiful, naive but intelligent, and very kind. the kids adored her, and miss her so much. She is trained as some sort of pharmaceutical assistant in Chile, however they function more like a physician consultant regarding all prescriptions, it is rather interesting. Basically, they tell the doc what they should prescribe for said diagnosis.
We fast-forwarded time while they visited, and had my birthday dinner as a Halloween/thanksgiving all wrapped in one. I roasted a turkey when it was 30 degrees out, we sent a hallow's eve table and wore costumes. The kids made my cake. It was a bit flat, but it tasted good! We had a blast, best birthday I can recall since my 9th. I felt very loved.

Halloween brilliance in August! I am, in my glory.

We went to the spa for our anniversary. Twelve years married-I can't believe it. I swear we were at a country bar  just last year scouting the door through heavy crowds for guys that caught our attention. This man makes me crazy at times, and I am still crazy about him. I am blessed, our children are so glad to have him. Here we are, at the Kingfisher after dinner. Frankly, I make better dinners, but it was a nice night away. 

Tom and time

Well I have a tendency to not blog when life gets away from me for a bit. It has, and I am flying along like always. Dave was gone, came back, gone, then back again. He has a wicked schedule with his workup training right now, so I am doing so much running around on my own. As well, it is party season, so we have social invitations to this, that, and everything right now. Baby showers, birthday parties, going away parties, you name it. They have all been a blast, but I get worked up preparing dishes to take, always trying to bring something new or different at least. I created one winner, we named it mardi gras shrimp, based on its lovely colors and the occasion I was making it for was a mardi gras theme party. Basically it is small shrimp, diced avocados, red peppers, jalapeno peppers, lime zest and juice, cilantro, red onions, smoked paprika, chipotle pepper, cajun spices, garlic. This is served in mini tortilla bowls. Easy, delicious, goes down so well with a margarita, beer, you name it. At another potluck I made a watermelon, mint, and feta salad, the dressing was lime juice and zest, honey, pepper. Simple, refreshing. I am sure I could create a good cocktail for this, but mojitos go nicely. I have a crapload of mint this year, so I need more creative uses other than drying it for tea.

I baked a girly cake for a friends birthday. The classic blue ribbon cake I have been baking since I was a kid, and Mom baked for us. It is a very old recipe, very odd too. You cut butter into the dry ingredients then beat in milk, then beat in egg whites. It is very fluffy. Mom always used almond extract in this, and I still prefer it that way. I recall the year she baked me one with pale green frosting. It had pink and silver ballerinas on top. I thought it was the most beautiful cake in the world. I filled my cake with raspberry pastry cream, using raspberry coulis I made. The frosting was the classic whipped egg whites with hot syrup drizzled in while beating.
And here I am, almost two weeks later, attempting to finish this. I am working full time, temporarily I might add, so I have little time for such a self indulgent activity. Last weekend we had both girls birthday parties. Lauryn's was to be this nice bash at the beach, with all things ocean, surf, and sun involved. However, we had to cancel the pavilion due to a conflict of times with half the invited guests. So we moved it to our house and had 8 little girls for a beach party on the patio. Inflatable fish and umbrellas hanging from the pergola, a limbo contest, a treasure hunt, fish and flower necklaces. My favorite part was her watermelon cake I made. Not a scrap remained.
Later that day Amelia had a couple of friends over for a sleepover. We took the girls to the aquatic centre to swim in the wave pool and have some diving contests. I swam some laps and they just had fun. Dave, Josh and Charlie went to a friend's cabin on the beach for a visit. We came back and had pizza and the kids held a wedding between two stuffed dogs. It was quite the production. Did I mention Charlie? The shitzu-maltese we have adopted. He is a charming little dog, intelligent and cheery, full of energy just like the kids.
Wow. I come back to this, 2 months later and find I can't meaningfully finish this. I went to Tom Petty in Vancouver, we had super floor seats, it was a phenomenal show, we stayed in a very mod hotel and had large cajun blackened burgers and margaritas. It was bliss....I felt like a teenager at the concert. I crept up past the idiot bouncer, right by the stage for pics. I sang every song, word for word and throughly enjoyed the moment where he thanked the crowd for being so welcoming of his new song off his new album, He really sounded like he did not believe he could have made something successful. It was surreal.

A ghost of a post

Josh and Lauryn, Seal Bay

We have had a very quiet weekend. I finished my research project, and submitted it for review. Yay. Wish I was more excited about that one, but in the end the topic deterred from something which I had any passion about. Such is life. The project did alright in the end, just not an area I had any zeal for, so the work lacked the associated luster. 

What did I cook this weekend? Something always something. I am feeling too melancholy right now to think back, perhaps it was the brown sugar pie? It was just as it sounded, cream, butter, sugar. A poor man's dish from Quebec. It reminded me of shoofly pie I made years ago, it had molasses as well. The kids loved it, I remember the girls were small then, back in Kingston. Amelia had just gotten over some poison ivy. I miss the uncomplicated days of the kids being so little, having so few demands on my time. I enjoy the rapid pace at times, I feel a bit manic when I am really in the midst of intense busy-ness. However, like all highs, you have to come down sooner or later, and then I get into a low. Exhausted, over-extended. Then my energy rises and it is all good again. I just wish I could ease up in one area-any area, but I just am not sure where.

 This was a wedding cake for the kids stuffs...apparently they got married!

brown sugar pie

A mother of a weekend

The girls at the beach for our bbq

I had a fantastic weekend. For starters, Dave came home early. I have tried not to make plans lately, because if there is anything the CF love, its to make plans then change them, then change them again. As I said to the child of one of my friends from Shilo, uncertainty is the only certainty in life (talk about confusing a 14 yr old!). But, I love spontaneity, thrive on flying by the seat of my pants. So he came home early, and we are drinking up each others company. Of course I grilled huge shrimp wrapped around chorizo, I have invented a delicious cocktail (limoncello lemonade, THE perfect summer drink), and we stayed up late talking, talking, and making love till we were exhausted....

On Mother's day, I sent Mom flowers and we had a good chat. The kids lavished me with their handi-work, Josh a small paper flower pot with a sunflower he coloured, and inside "LOOK!!!!SEEDS!!!!!" it was so cute. Lauryn made me a hat worthy of the Kentucky derby, and although I had many reasons why i could not wear it to brunch, it was so priceless. She also made a french story book outlining her plans for our day, and an origami elephant Amelia helped her with. Amelia made me a card with 3-D flowers, quite funky. I have the best kids. We went out for brunch where we ended up sitting at a table beside the same strangers the kids and I ate lunch beside the previous day at a charity BBQ-small world. Turns out he was from Edmonton and her Winnipeg-even weirder. We wandered (well the kids ran) through one of the nurseries, where I picked a basket to hang by the front door. Then we went out for americanos and gelato. We came home to relax, the kids with a movie on, us upstairs sneaking a quick moment to ourselves : ) The day finished at the beach, where we had a fire, the kids jumped around on the driftwood, and we grilled smokies and made smores, sipped our drinks and enjoyed life. We should have brought the kite though, the wind was perfect for it. We have pledged to bbq at the beach every week this summer, it is the best way to spend the evening, the kids never tire of it. I am still feeling mellow, although Dave's company helps....I love that man.

My passion for food, my love

A night together

I am continually amazed at all the intelligent, dynamic, talented, inspirational women I have the privilege of knowing. Worldly, well-informed, spiritual (now I mean this in the sense of inner connectedness), just plain amazing. I feel I have so much to learn from them, most are older than me and have this rich tapestry as well of life experiences I hope to glean bits and pieces from. It is most exciting. But what sincerely concerns and depresses me is how way too many seem to not have married equally dynamic partners-or even supportive or complementary partners. What I mean by complementary, is someone who through their contrast of personality, enhances the person they are with, rather than dragging them down. However, that is just it-way too many seem to be dragged down by their spouse, rather than walking side-by-side, they seem to be needing to pull away. They have no connectedness, no passion, no true happiness. This greatly saddens me. How can this be?At this point in my life, I can't fathom a marriage without passion. It may sound completely ridiculous to say I want someone that makes my heart race (and I don't mean causes afib and call the ambulance sort), but someone whom I can truly say I am wildly in love with, and is the love of my life.  Mom called my Dad the love of her life, and I really believe it. What they had was a perfect complement of personalities, and somewhat unbeknownst to me as a child, they had passion. Support of one another, acceptance of faults, all matter, but passion is what helps you to weather the worst storms.

I express my love for my love in many ways, but my most subtle seduction is what I prepare for him in the kitchen. Our late night dinner dates are a tradition with us, and preferable to any restaurant. The innuendo ranges from blatant to subtle, but it always keeps our life exciting. When we get too busy, too stressed, too overwhelmed with all that is life, these dinner dates pull us together. I spend days designing a menu, and the whole day preparing. Now, as I wait for his next return home, I must set to task deciding what to make. Bringing two of my biggest passions together makes me feel so very alive.

The day, the day....and what of it?

Henry and Amelia's cactus

I have a fair bit done in the garden. After having 3 yards dropped on the driveway, we manually moved it to the back yard. I actually really love hard physical work, it is extremely satisfying to work outdoors to the point of physical exhaustion. I have a large assortment of lettuces, beans, peas, carrots, and pumpkins in. For herbs,  sage, chives, lavender, rosemary, lemon balm, mint, thyme all in and up, all these things winter here (as in stay green and alive all winter!), and I also planted dill. I will be putting the basil and cilantro in later, when the temperatures are warmer. I have tomatoes and hot peppers as well, but again, I will put them in the ground later. I am quite thrilled about the garden at this point, my hours of work should pay off all year. Dave and I also want to put in some raspberry canes, but I have not got around to it. All beds are weeded, I moved a shrub and a large rosemary that was crowding. The kids have been good helping to water and weed-well Lauryn and Josh, Amelia only helps when I force her to. Josh is particularly enthusiastic, I can only imagine how he will harvest.

The kids played well today, no arguments, a big switch from yesterday. They picked and bickered and Josh had a meltdown in the Gap. I squared him around, we made our selections and left. Once I felt everyone had chilled, we walked over to Pier 1, bought a few things then over to Chapters to browse and have a coffee. It was the most delicious americano I have had in weeks for some reason. We came home and grilled some burgers. I topped mine with blue cheese and we had large salads with maple balsamic...divine. I am so done today, need to relax to prepare for two days of assessments. I cooked most of the day today, made an apple tart, apple butter, butter chicken, naan bread, oven bbq chicken, and we went for a hike in the afternoon. The woods were warm, the drop-offs and climbs steep and fern filled, and the kids enjoyed themselves, throwing rocks in the stream and looking at the flowers, and looking for good "adventure sticks". All in all, not a bad day.

Dave and Norm are training together, which is neat since Norm is army and Dave is airforce. It is such a small world ours, but I enjoy that smallness, and seek it out. Once I avoided the whole scene, preferring to associate with non-military, but now I cherish such connections. No one on this earth could comprehend it unless they lived it, so I enjoy this bit of connectivity we all secretly share. Dave and I skyped off and on today, his connections were poor, so it was disjointed here and there. Mike also called, and I am glad to say he is in a better place these days. Ana has a very optimistic prognosis, so we will keep them both in our thoughts. Hopefully we can visit him when we next go to Cali.

I miss Sandy. We travel our eerily similar lives thousands of kms apart, connected via fb mainly, but really, when we talk it is like no time has passed. Funny how good friends are. You never have to worry about offending them when you don't talk for ages, and you always get their line of thinking. You also still, after many years know exactly what sarcastic comment they would have in any given situation, and know what monty python reference would also suit. Whenever I need confirmation on my thoughts or anxieties, I can count on hers. Cheers to good, good friends. We plan to have a getaway somewhere soon, to celebrate the foolishness that is graduate work. It is long overdue.

I sat tonight and enjoyed the brilliance that is Natural Pastures cheese. Their camembert is mushroomy and creamy, so good with Helene's pepper jelly and a glass of wine. A bit of indulgence, after a long hike and my usual run. You are daring to imagine a new life....yes stealing a quote. But as I embark on major change I step forth with no hesitation. I can and I will. I will do so with bravery and fearlessness (stealing again!). It is rapidly approaching. I have no choice, it is written in my path, my life journey. Because as it stands, I have a real zest for life don't I, so I will do it with style.....hehe. I would love to capture my thoughts on here better. I have so many in the day I need to record them when they happen, document on my ipod like some idiot as the day goes by. Josh observing that Dad has been at work a really, really long time, the expression on Lauryn's face when she realized Josh had deftly blamed her for the dessert disappearance, Amelia being in charge of the activity schedule in the back yard...and things such as my thoughts on choosing action or choosing inaction-there is no true neutrality. You either do something, or you choose to do nothing (hell I spent a lot of time discussing the veracity of that one). Either way, you are making a choice to act or not to act. Choosing inaction IS an action, a statement in one direction.....I choose to be effective in my own world....

I will get there...that profound blog does exist....